It isn't supposed to be fun...(?)

Somewhere in my last post I typed the phrase "it isn't supposed to be fun" (or something like that) and I had a sub ask me today, "well if it's not supposed to be fun, what is the point of it all?"

Tonight I was working on something else entirely and that question popped up in my head again. At the time I simply responded "that depends upon the person, I suppose," which led other places, because it was the kind of question that takes so much to respond to any satisfying degree. And for some, it is supposed to be fun, but I have absolutely no desire to spend any time with those sorts.

In the first post on this blog I spoke of the difference between pro-Dommes and lifestyle Dommes. Paying submissives are paying for a fantasy and paying for "fun." Those types can have a session tailor-made for their own kinks or fetishes and after a good spanking or whatever it is they want - even if they want a Domme to go to work on them however she sees fit - they can go home satisfied while the Domme might have satisfied her own sadistic urges but she may have gotten nothing out of it at all except money. [Some submissives love to call pro-Dommes whores for that reason, which of course is flawed logic as what I described is "work" at its core. It would be the same to say a masseuse or barber was a whore...but I digress.] But that is the trade-off for paying subs and pro Dommes. Like being fed a cracker when one is starving, it will do for the moment but it's not really satisfying.

For lifestyle subs, particularly slaves, the dynamic is totally different. The lifestyle slave is drawn to and fed by a deep, lasting submission that is not fun but necessary. The biggest (perhaps only) punishment for this type is to not be able to serve someone in that manner. The true slave does not look for fun but knows that there is beauty in sacrifice, hard work, and dedication. Even when such a slave is unowned, the desire is still strong and palpable for them and they do things, even small things, to try and serve when needed.

And of course, this type is more attractive than anyone else to its counterpart, the lifestyle Domme. I talk a lot about "types" of slaves and submissives, because the reality is there are many and they are compatible with their dominant counterpart (like the person who loves to give physical pain is a good match for those who love to receive it), but the theoretical slave - and best slave - is clay waiting to be molded into whatever its Domme desires. For me, the temptation is there to take a pain slut and turn it into something else entirely just to teach it that its desires are not its own, but the reality is there are many theoretical slaves who in practice have limits that are make-or-break and those are often the ones who want it to be "fun;" however they define it.

I cannot verify this and I have no idea if it is true or not, but in conversation a sub once said that Black Dommes are more "spiritual" about the D/s dynamic and much less sexual than other Dommes, particularly white ones. This sub was upset about this because he was physically attracted to Black Dommes but didn't like how they downplayed the sexual side of D/s. As I laughed, another sub said that his attraction to Black Dommes was based on the fact that he was more ritual-based and believed in the deeper parts of the D/s dynamic and found that he complemented that ideology. This sub wanted more than just a slap, tickle, or fuck, he said. This sub wanted something he could drown in emotionally. So perhaps that is a notable difference about "types" as well.

I will not argue, obviously, that even my theoretical "perfect" slave has a selfish reason at the base for why they want to be enslaved. I do not believe in altruism, particularly in submissives. But, fun is fleeting and easy while things that take lifetimes to develop and dedicate to have moments of pure bliss but are not roundly fun. For a pianist the concert is probably great fun but the lifetime of learning to play the damned thing and get to that level then maintain it is arduous work that is full of challenges. But the pianist plays because she must, not because she likes it - even if sometimes she does.

Rejection sucks**

I was going to write about key-holding but decided to change it. I actually went through several other topics before I settled down on this one.

In the past 24 hours I have rejected three submissives for three different reasons and the three subs involved were at different points in their relationship with me. As I sat here staring at the other topics I had typed about for today’s post, I realized that my mind was on the nuances of rejection in the D/s relationship. The three subs in today’s experiences are good illustrations of some major themes in the discussion.

The first sub I rejected I had been in contact with for only a few weeks. I was wary of him as he had shown some obviously aggressive behaviors early on and I decided conclusively that he was not right today. The second sub was a much more submissive type in some ways, but he had the clear problem of fulfilling his assignments, if at all, much too late and too shoddily. The first sub generally fulfilled his assignments, but his assignments had a deeper meaning as tests, which he failed.

The third sub was one that I rejected a while ago for his extremely aggressive nature. This particular sub was quite pushy and was given clear boundaries that he broke immediately for the sake of his own self-interest. I rejected him in the sense that I told him, yet again, that I wanted nothing to do with him. In this instance he approached me as if for the first time, and it is possible that he believed it was, though he has used all sorts of tactics in the past.

I have to reject people pretty often, because it is my job as a Domme to be aware of what is best for me and any potential. Assuming that every online sub who contacts me is 100% sincere, it only makes sense that only a few would be actually compatible with me, and vice versa. Sometimes it is easy to spot a non-compatible sub: maybe they desire to be caged 24/7 or completely transformed into women, or have some other deep desire on which their submission is based that I am not into. But more often it is personality, beliefs, or something that takes time to correctly identify.

As such, I dedicate a lot of time to interviewing and testing potentials. It is extremely rare for anyone to get to the point of being actually owned by me as I am every bit as picky as I should be. And it is designed to be a lengthy and tiresome process, as slavery is not supposed to be “fun” and I am always happy when someone finally shows their true nature and can be rejected in good faith.

I do not reject people in anger, nor am I rude. I have no reason to be either. On the other hand, the vast majority of subs react in two basic ways. The first is to try very hard to convince me that they are indeed worthy. This can last for a short time, as it did for the second sub I discussed above, or be ongoing, as the third sub illustrates. More frequent, and often what occurs after a sub has tried to convince me otherwise, is blatant disrespect.

Some subs love to show their balls, so to speak, after being rejected by saying things meant to hurt. This is expected, especially from certain types, like the first sub I discussed. What they never seem to realize is a simple truth about Dommes: once we decide we don’t want someone, there is nothing they can do to be accepted back or to anger us. I actually allow subs to say whatever they want in order to deal with their anger and get over it at that point, just because it is better that way. Nothing one can say can actually anger me, instead they simply prove that I made the right decision.

This is not to say, however, that it is easy for me to reject potentials. In theory, I want to accept everyone and it would be great if everyone was my perfect match and could give me 110% of their devotion. But I make peace with my decision before I tell them that they are not what I need and vice versa, because I must be sure of my own decisions. I can understand the frustration a submissive feels at rejection and I get no joy out of it.

For the submissives who actually want to make a lasting impression, nothing tugs at a Domme's heart strings than a sub who is good, deeply submissive, and extremely respectful until the end (and beyond). Those are the subs who make you wonder from time to time if you made the right decision. I once ran into a sub I’d rejected a year or so prior at a dry cleaners (this was a real-time sub, obviously) and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, as humble and respectful as ever, and almost acquiesced when he made an offer (which is another topic entirely).

But that is rare. It is also rare for a sub to get deeply upset when they are rejected but there are those types who will have a vendetta against a Domme who rejects them. A friend of mine, a transsexual Domme, was beaten nearly to death by a sub she rejected. We all have our horror stories, in fact, about subs who went a bit nuts when they were rejected. Unfortunately, no matter how nicely that sort is let down, they are likely to react in an outrageous way.

I received a message from another sub I had previously rejected today. This particular sub went so far as to create another screen name and go into a whole thing under that identity in order to eventually hurt me. Of course, this person never said “Hey, I’m _________” but he didn’t have to as I knew pretty early on. While I dealt with the “other” sub, I never bothered to address that facet of the situation because I knew he would never admit it anyway. And when I received the message today from that sub, I did what it is always best to do with those sorts; I deleted the message without reading it.

** There will be a bonus post this upcoming week as I have written about a few topics. That one will be more impersonal and theory-based. The goal here is to find a balance between my personal rants and the actual, useful information and discussion about the lifestyle and beyond.

To Be or Not to Be (Chaste).

Last week I was asked by a man who was interested in being a submissive why chastity was so important to subs/slaves. Chastity is one of those things that some subs are extremely interested in and others consider a hard limit. However, chastity is one of the most basic elements of submission, particularly with males [I should add here that when I discuss the topic of submissive people I mean men by default].

The very nature of chastity, or not being in control of one’s sexuality, takes away one of the “rights” we take for granted. Even for the abstinent or virginal person, often masturbation is a way to keep ones sexual urges at bay. Men seem to obsess about sex and their male genitalia more than women, especially when you look at pop culture references about the differences between the sexes/genders. Though this is not completely true, both sexes do their part to keep the stereotype in place. Indeed, men’s sexuality has been celebrated and aligns with the concept of man as conqueror while making sex another way for Women to be subjugated (or conquered).

Enforced chastity, especially when the submissive is male and he does it for a Domme, elaborates that the submissive recognizes the problem with that sort of thinking and is making himself an example of another state of being for men. Subs who use chastity devices – especially full-time – always speak of the deep sense of submission and satisfaction they feel when they are “locked in” and in time often come to rely upon that feeling and begin to feel uncomfortable when left “naked” without their devices. By handing over what “makes them male” to their Domme the subs show that they no longer control that part of themselves and have come to accept that their penises are not meant to simply gain sexual pleasure . Their function of waste disposal is highlighted as often subs find themselves having to make adjustments to how they position their bodies when they urinate and many find it useful to sit while doing it – yet another way to show submission.

A submissive can learn to use their bodies in much more novel ways to give pleasure while they are locked in chastity. They may be allowed to use strap-on sex toys when/if their Domme requires penetration or they may become masters at the art of oral pleasure. They may use other sex toys or be considered a walking sex toy for their Domme and/or whoever She decides they perform for. They will soon begin to listen to the bodies that they service for instruction, concentrate more, and begin to derive pleasure from giving pleasure: a true goal of the submissive and an example of man in his natural state, in my opinion. They may be used as receptacles as well and learn to enjoy receiving a strap-on, dildo, or real penis.

Indeed, prostate pleasure can be effectively explored when the male genitalia is locked away. Instead of the rushed sense of masturbation and even genital sex, males can learn to ejaculate through slow and steady prostate massage, tantric means, and can be trained – over time – to cum on demand; a really neat trick at parties. ;) The male submissive learns to expand his sexual horizons and other erogenous zones may be found on his body that were completely missed in his earlier life. Indeed, a submissive may become extremely orgasmic, even if in a strictly mental sense, after being locked in chastity for a long period. As part of a behavior modification and new submissive training program, chastity can be an awesome tool to help teach correct behaviors and instill certain emotions in a submissive, and as a lifelong/full-time measure can certainly enhance the sexual pleasures of both D and s….and I am getting quite worked up discussing it.

Next week I will discuss the role of the Keyholder and some tips for the successful use of such devices for both parties.

The King of Love was Born (Today)

Today is Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday. As usual on his birthday, I am looking at my own life and the lives of those around me and comparing them to what I know of attitudes around this country and the world. Unfortunately, the recent comments by Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh really ramp up the belief that racism is alive and thriving at.

Someone argued today that Pat’s comment wasn’t race-based but religion-based. Yet, he specifically spoke about how they sold their souls to the devil to free themselves from the French, as they were chattel slaves. Race was the bottom line in that scenario. And if someone was going to sell their soul to the devil, that would certainly be a great time to do it, particularly since that entity was the opposite of the god the French, the ones who enslaved them, believed in and/or served. That’s solid logic.

Anyway, I am thinking of the legacies we leave behind and remembering that Martin Luther King Jr and Pat Robertson, in theory, served the same god. Isn’t that amazing?

That is all for today - but I am, as always, thankful for the life of MLK. Of course, there are many holidays for Black leaders that I celebrate alone, but I do love that at least one of the important figures in Black America is also “celebrated” in America.

I am off to listen to Nina’s “The King of Love is Dead” and think.

Who's Zooming Who?*

Something that occurred a while ago has been on my mind since, and I have been trying to ignore it because I simply didn’t feel like typing up a lengthy post about it. However, that experience really helps to explain why what I am planning is so important, in my opinion.

Weeks ago I was interviewing a potential, which is a process that takes hours and so I try to break it up into two or three days usually, and I liked him but I felt like something was missing. I knew he was older and that he was new to the lifestyle and that made me very wary. We had passed the direct Q&A session and had entered the guided discussion phase when suddenly he said something that proved he was not right for me. What did he say? That he could never serve a man or even an “alpha slave” and he was quite serious about it.

Now this person considered himself limitless and all of the “usual limits” (you know the ones) were fine with him, which I always appreciate. I asked him if the “never serving men” thing was a limit and… ‘lo and behold it was! I told him, very truthfully, that I found that totally unacceptable on the principle that I am only interested in limitless subs and we said our goodbyes. Had it ended there I would have been fine, because, while I did really like him, I am totally intolerant of LIFETIME subs with limits. Limits are for part-timers and boys who pay as their consolation prize, in my opinion, of missing the deepest connection possible - that of a life-timer. Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.

You see, this particular sub couldn’t help himself. I am sure he was angry at the abruptness of my decision and at the fact that something that seemed to him to be relatively minor could be such a big deal. So he sent me an email which basically said “The next time I choose a Mistress I will make sure she is a real Female Supremacist and would never let a man have any say at all,” which was one of the stupidest things he could have said. Do you know why?

To suggest that a Female is not a “true” Female Supremacist because she won’t allow a man his limit(s) is missing the complete point. A Woman is allowed anything she wants, as I see it, including having an alpha sub/slave. Here is the kicker: I have never had, nor do I want an alpha slave of any sort. It is simply the principle: I would have made him follow a male sub/slave simply to rid him of the limit, bring him closer to his true self, and allow him to learn a valuable lesson: he doesn’t make any rules.

I did tell him that I would have made him follow another as I said above and explained it as I did above when I told him he was excused. That irritated his manhood, as he felt he was too good, I’m sure, to serve another man: an obvious (and flawed) limit. I don’t think I would have had the same issue with an experienced sub/slave but I have a soft spot for older subs and I tend to give them my attention more than ones in my own age range (and I know, I should stop discriminating).

That scenario really helped me see that there are too many theories of Female Supremacy, Black Supremacy, and Black Female Supremacy. It helped make me sure that I need to be on a soapbox shouting my own views. And here I am.

The situation reiterated the importance of thorough interviews and screenings because I can only imagine what would happen if he is taken and then his Mistress finds out about his limit!

Finally, that experience made me think of limits in general; why subs have them, what they are based on, and why they are important to be offered to a Domme as a show of devotion, in order to rid the submissive of them in Her honor. What are yours?

* Proper grammar be damned; it's a song.

In the works...

Today I set up a lot that I had frankly been procrastinating on. I implore you to check out the website - which is blank aside from a kick-ass "parked" page - and bookmark it. I am integrating all sorts of tools into the site as I build it, including an internet-based radio show that you can listen to weekly right from the website itself. I am also busy as a bee working on the other projects which I will not formally announce for two more weeks (but I am super-excited about). I also set up a yahoo group, which I will link to here and I am in the process of choosing a moderator for that.

I was supposed to discuss Black Female Supremacy today but I will do it tomorrow as I have a lot more to finish up on tonight. I will probably begin to use the yahoo group for updates and use this for blogs only. Until then...

Lifestyle vs. Pro Domme

I thought my first few posts should discuss who I am, and I guess lifestyle vs. professional is as good a place to start as any. I am both in that I am/have been a professional Domme but being a Domme is totally who I am as well. The professional Emme is me if I were a superhero, almost like a caricature of who I am. I do not wear leather or vinyl and seven inch heels all day in my personal life (though I LOVE heels, particularly high-heeled boots) and I am not cracking a whip at all times either. And yet I am naturally dominant and naturally attracted to submissive types. I rarely raise my voice, can be very quiet, and I have a plethora of interests and involvements outside of D/s or BDSM. At the same time, sexual decadence and kink are "home" for me.

I have no "vanilla" life as all of things are interspersed into my life and I am content with every facet of who I am. In a grocery store I am normal because I am a normal person. Does my family know about my lifestyle? Yes, though different people know different things and the extent of their knowledge reflects how close we are. I don't write a monthly newsletter to extended family to let them know about all of my D/s activities or any other activities, for that matter, but my sister, for example, knows most of my lifestyle, whereas my parents know major themes but not details.

I have seen major debates about whether a lifestyle Domme can and/or should be a pro Domme as well. For me, the two are not mutually exclusive and one can easily see which pro Dommes aren't actually lifestylers. I think being a professional Domme as a lifestyle Domme is similar to doing anything professionally that your life is filled with and what you are or what comes naturally to you personally. If a mother with several children who loved motherhood, children, etc was also a daycare provider or teacher there would be a list of negatives and positives about her profession. Sure she would likely be great at it but she could potentially experience "burn out" quicker than her coworkers too. Does her work make her less of a mother or vice versa? I don't think so.

Some submissive types want a Domme with all of the tools of the trade to be ready and willing to schedule sessions whenever the submissive has time, do what the submissive gets off on, and not earn a dime for her trouble. Yeah right. That sort of thing is a service and services are rarely free. There are certainly some subs who desire nothing more than to come clean, provide service, receive instruction/reward, and go on their way. Those subs are the cornerstone of the community in many ways and they understand the give-and-take and really shouldn't be charged, in my opinion, as an equal exchange occurs. But others want to be tortured, whipped, and humiliated for three hours (or whatever time frame) and that, my dears, is work. Now if that submissive is collared or owned and that is part of his/her training or what have you, that is fine, but subs who want session work based on their own desires or fetishes are fetishists and clients, not lifestylers.

This was a drag to write but it's best to get the unsavory things out of the way early. Up next is one of my favorite topics... BFS!