Today I was accused of being male by an online sub for the very first time and it bothered me greatly. Not so much being called a male, because I think Domme Women deal with that from time to time, but primarily because I apparently "type like a man," which made me think of what he could possibly mean and the difference between males and Females in how we communicate.
First, I will explain the circumstances. I have found that online I appear too "nice" which leads some to believe I am looking for a lapdog. In fact, I am quite sadistic and very kinky but I don't wear it on my sleeve, per se, as I have always been that way so it's nothing to shout about. In speaking with me in real time, I think many subs become hurt that I am not as sweet as they expected. In this case, I was in a very mellow mood and a bit stir-crazy from being trapped in the house for days on end due to the snow. I wanted to enjoy a leisurely chat about nothing in particular because I had spent so much time thinking and typing for this blog and other things. I wanted to get off of theory and back to my own reality.
So, this sub and I began a discussion which led to upsets via online "meetings" and we both shared a few horror stories. While I had varying kinds, his seemed to all be of the "and then I found out 'she' was a guy" variety, which seemed a bit odd but I have never really asked a sub about such things and it sounded likely. The conversation went to him discussing how he could tell a Domme was a guy, based on certain criteria that included how kinky "she" was. That made me think about how I seem outside of actual conversation and I described how I tended to appear more "ladylike" until one really got to know me and how - I believe I used the term "depraved" - I can be. From there we naturally started discussing the kinkiest things we did and I guess mine trumped his, in retrospect.
Now, by this time we'd discussed all sorts of things, from our educations, political beliefs, future plans, etc and I was quite comfortable with telling him something I consider private as I did. And the conversation went on, even though he was pretty caught up in the "wow" factor of my tale, which to me didn't seem that insane. Actually, it involved nothing that could make someone sick, physically hurt, and it was perfectly legal. I found his reaction to be a bit strong but he self-identified as a sub and likely more spanking-based or something.
Near the end of the conversation, now after six in the morning, he asked about the "next step," which suggested that our conversation went well. I told him, as always, that we would have another chat to see if he was consistent in how he behaved in that chat, which I enjoyed. I do that because, as he illustrated today, subs can be quite selfish and spoiled and can change their behavior abruptly as they feel they do not get what they want. And the system works, lol.
I didn't chat with him again until today and he brought up the whole scenario we'd discussed before and began his diatribe by saying he didn't believe it, which pissed me off. After a back-and-forth over it, in which he attempted to backpedal, I told him to go away, as I do when someone shows their true colors in such a manner. And that is when he decided to tell me I was male. It was obvious that he wanted to get a dig in, but I do believe that he used the "must be a man" defense whenever someone dismissed him or didn't fix into his stereotypical mold. One of his reasons, as I explained before, was that I "typed" like a man. Thinking of our initial conversation, context came to mind.
Here is a portion of that original conversation:
Black(5:48 AM): anyway, I will give you one thing that someone told me was pretty disgusting
Black(5:48 AM): which I found rather tame
Black(5:49 AM): I had an older guy sub who I only fed_____________. I only had him for a week though
Black(5:49 AM): he didn't find it disgusting, someone else did
Black(5:49 AM): he loved it, actually, lol
jacksubjones(5:49 AM): you did that!!!!!!!!
jacksubjones(5:50 AM): how did he eat _________________? how did it get int there. i'm trying to picure the mechanics
Black(5:50 AM): yes but this was a sixty-something guy who was so used up that I had to find creative things for him to do
Black(5:52 AM): I would have another sub put the______________________________ and in a couple of hours I would get on my back, have him on his knees, and take the plug out. or I would sit on his face
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): OMG
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): that's so fucking out there
Black(5:52 AM): I thought it rather ingenious, myself, lol
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): i'm amazed on so many levels
jacksubjones(5:53 AM): i'm having a hard time understanding why you would want to be with such a wasted old man to begin with
Now, many of you will fill in the blanks, as it's not so hard to figure out. Granted, he seemed genuinely shocked, but look at the context. A man wants/gives details about such things to get off and a Woman simply shares a story. Also, everyone knows how I feel about older men who have been so used up and worked so admirably for their Dommes only to be traded in for a new model when they are too old to be attractive. Indeed, I take it as almost a duty to give them a bit of happiness when I meet a very good one, though it is often unrealistic to keep them forever as they can be too deeply programmed to their former Mistress' tastes.
So, for those of you who worry about if Dommes are men or not, I say to look at context. A dominant Woman is very different from an aggressive, likely masturbating, "dude" and understanding those - perhaps - small differences, though the above - in my opinion - would have been so much more graphic had a man who was trying to find masturbation bait would have been...which is what they are looking for, I guess.
That's my rant of the week...hey, I like that! I may do one each week, now that I look at it.
Showing posts with label Black Supremacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Black Supremacy. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Basics.
There are many practices I believe are extremely important for the owned sub in order to grow and develop its potential. In order to paint with a broad brush I will outline some of them here:
1. Chastity
2. Cuckolding
3. Bisexuality
4. Body modification (to varying degrees)
5. Objectification
6. Caning/whipping
7. Torture/humiliation
8. CBT
9. Bondage
10. Ritual
These ten basics represent some of the foundations of a slave. Some of them, like numbers seven and eight, may appear to be very similar (as CBT is a form of torture) and others may seem to be specifics of larger listed themes (some would say cuckolding and forced bi are kinds of humiliation, for example), while some practices that some would consider “musts” are missing (cross-dressing or forced feminization) and some that I consider musts aren’t to others (rituals, for example). This should let you know that it is all relative.
If I had to pick five from the list that are 100% musts they would be numbers 1-3, 6, and 10. But it is very, very hard for me to pick just five. Potentials always want to know what is in store for them and this list is a good start. Of course there are other things a slave must learn to do that depend upon their use, like body worship, massage, anal training, etc (all of which I am wholeheartedly a proponent of), but that use really should come after an arduous training program that includes the practices listed.
And initial training programs are totally necessary. It takes time and focus to break a sub and “reprogram” it to be what it aspires to. Any good training program uses the above thoughtfully and with dedication, even if the sub is a lifetime slave with decades of experience. It simply has to be taught how to exist under its new conditions and for its new owners. Dommes who don’t methodically train their slaves really do them a disservice and sadly disregard the nature of the relationship and both parties: slaves WANT to submit and NEED proper training, just as Dommes need to know what they’re doing and what works.
Of course, my own training program is personal and wouldn’t necessarily be helpful for anyone other than me. That part of the discussion will happen at the group, for the “hardcore” followers and not the casual readers, as I don’t think it’s really good for un-owned slaves to believe they know what to expect from their training or use based on something that someone else does. It is up to the slave’s Domme and the sub must place its trust in her hands.
The list will be discussed one by one in upcoming posts, though in no particular order and not necessarily on a weekly basis as I have other topics to discuss. One of them, chastity, has already been covered. Some of the more taboo topics will be covered at the yahoo group as they are not for everyone. Indeed, the discussions on all topics will be discussed in a much more personal way, and I expect members to take part. For the casual reader, I assure you there will be more than enough information here.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Kidnapping, Breeding, & Blackmail
---This month I am going to try and cram a lot about my own belief system on BFS into the posts so as to coincide with Black History Month. I have been trying to integrate my beliefs there with other themes in the D/s framework, so there are a lot of segues. Luckily I have been essentially "snowed in" (though I've been dragging it out), so I have been able to write pretty much constantly lately and I have been getting all sorts of things done other than the things that will appear here. There will be more than weekly posts this month. I expect to lose some of you along the way, as I get deeper into what I actually believe in, and I am not for everyone. ---
There are some subs who want to be “forced” into slavery. These subs often have intricate fantasies of exactly how they will be caught, kidnapped, and made to serve. I know some of you instantly know my major problem with those sorts…yes, they are examples of a slave picking its slavery instead of being open to whatever its owner desires. More than that, it is unrealistic. Why? You can’t force someone to do what they want you to do, and are begging for.
This is very similar to my thoughts on the foolishness some Black Female Supremacists (and Black Supremacists) tout on owning white slaves. How silly is it to say something along the lines of “we are enslaving them for enslaving us for hundreds of years,” when you are “enslaving” someone who wants to be enslaved? Consensual slavery is not chattel slavery in the least - even if the model of how the slave is treated is the same - because the slave wants to be enslaved! That is a MAJOR difference. So those who say they are “getting even” when they have a white guy who is in pure heaven while getting his forty lashes or whatever, are ridiculous; you aren't fighting injustice so why pretend? Be dominant; let your own needs be enough of a reason for why you do what you do!
Blackmail is similar. I can understand how the extra “insurance” could seem useful to some, but consensual slavery is a legal minefield anyway, and that sort of thing blurs the line and can really hurt the Domme involved in the end. Because, of course, blackmail is illegal. So, if a sub has blackmail and/or kidnapping in mind for some fantasy enslavement, they are saying “I don’t really trust myself to stay at your heels” or “I think about this to jerk off and either I have no desire to go through with it or I can only do it if completely forced,” and neither of those statements are desirable. There are enough very willing slaves who have the right mindset and can be used in ways that can titillate a Domme’s need for adventure if she has it, on her terms.
Now of course there are 100% real black-market slaves in this day and age, often who are taken as children and made to work in insufferable conditions. I am entirely against that sort of thing. Nor would I ever breed slaves to have a second (or more) generation of slaves, because it is no longer consensual at that point, obviously, for the children involved. I think those sorts of things are heinous and they do absolutely nothing for me. As a dominant, I am attracted to submissive people, and though I do love “breaking” someone into being a slave, it is a process of showing a submissive person their truest selves and it is a beautiful thing, not something as ugly and negative as actual non-consensual slavery.
And the distinction is extremely necessary. A slave should want to protect its Domme from the severe scrutiny and hatred they can face from a populace that doesn’t understand the difference. The Domme (or dom) in any situation can be made out to be a monster while the sub is seen as a poor, brainwashed, misguided soul, which anyone in the life knows is entirely false. It is really up to subs to be as vocal as possible when necessary to people outside of the lifestyle about the truth of the dynamic so that everyone in the lifestyle is protected. Unfortunately, people seem to think Dommes are selfish megalomaniacs, which is more often than not totally not the case at all. Weirdly, "normal" people seem to be able to relate to that concept, however, which says something about them, in my opinion.
There are some subs who want to be “forced” into slavery. These subs often have intricate fantasies of exactly how they will be caught, kidnapped, and made to serve. I know some of you instantly know my major problem with those sorts…yes, they are examples of a slave picking its slavery instead of being open to whatever its owner desires. More than that, it is unrealistic. Why? You can’t force someone to do what they want you to do, and are begging for.
This is very similar to my thoughts on the foolishness some Black Female Supremacists (and Black Supremacists) tout on owning white slaves. How silly is it to say something along the lines of “we are enslaving them for enslaving us for hundreds of years,” when you are “enslaving” someone who wants to be enslaved? Consensual slavery is not chattel slavery in the least - even if the model of how the slave is treated is the same - because the slave wants to be enslaved! That is a MAJOR difference. So those who say they are “getting even” when they have a white guy who is in pure heaven while getting his forty lashes or whatever, are ridiculous; you aren't fighting injustice so why pretend? Be dominant; let your own needs be enough of a reason for why you do what you do!
Blackmail is similar. I can understand how the extra “insurance” could seem useful to some, but consensual slavery is a legal minefield anyway, and that sort of thing blurs the line and can really hurt the Domme involved in the end. Because, of course, blackmail is illegal. So, if a sub has blackmail and/or kidnapping in mind for some fantasy enslavement, they are saying “I don’t really trust myself to stay at your heels” or “I think about this to jerk off and either I have no desire to go through with it or I can only do it if completely forced,” and neither of those statements are desirable. There are enough very willing slaves who have the right mindset and can be used in ways that can titillate a Domme’s need for adventure if she has it, on her terms.
Now of course there are 100% real black-market slaves in this day and age, often who are taken as children and made to work in insufferable conditions. I am entirely against that sort of thing. Nor would I ever breed slaves to have a second (or more) generation of slaves, because it is no longer consensual at that point, obviously, for the children involved. I think those sorts of things are heinous and they do absolutely nothing for me. As a dominant, I am attracted to submissive people, and though I do love “breaking” someone into being a slave, it is a process of showing a submissive person their truest selves and it is a beautiful thing, not something as ugly and negative as actual non-consensual slavery.
And the distinction is extremely necessary. A slave should want to protect its Domme from the severe scrutiny and hatred they can face from a populace that doesn’t understand the difference. The Domme (or dom) in any situation can be made out to be a monster while the sub is seen as a poor, brainwashed, misguided soul, which anyone in the life knows is entirely false. It is really up to subs to be as vocal as possible when necessary to people outside of the lifestyle about the truth of the dynamic so that everyone in the lifestyle is protected. Unfortunately, people seem to think Dommes are selfish megalomaniacs, which is more often than not totally not the case at all. Weirdly, "normal" people seem to be able to relate to that concept, however, which says something about them, in my opinion.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hey, it's Black History Month!
I love February. It is probably my most nostalgic month of the year. As a child, I hated Black History Month. Why? Because in school we had to learn about Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and MLK for the millionth time. Not that I had any problem with either of them. Quite the opposite. What bothered me was the glossing-over of their stories, their struggles, and the struggle.
In my household, every month was Black History Month. I knew more than my teachers - no matter their race - about the topics they presented in crossword puzzles and stupid quizzes. Black History Month bothered me because it was basically pointless. You can belittle a person or idea that you may honestly mean to uplift if you aren't careful. I couldn't figure out then why they couldn't pick someone other than those three or someone in addition to those three - though they did in small doses. A little Shirley Chisholm would have been interesting, as far as "safe bets" went, I always thought.
As I aged and we were allowed to pick our own people to write about I enjoyed BHM a lot more. I loved to teach, even then, and so I picked interesting people with interesting stories. A lot of my teachers started out afraid that I would be "too radical" which was rather silly, in my opinion, but they soon learned that I had a real interest simply in showing different, dynamic people.
And so began my love affair with Black History Month. I realized then that I could use the month as a time to reflect, consider, and evolve in my own life. It became the start to my personal year and at this point in my life I don't really feel solidly like the new year has begun until 2/1. The silly McDonald's-sponsored Black History Month commercials and all don't even bother me anymore....well, at least not as much as they used to.
In February I always have my personal subs spend some time learning about one of my favorite "notable Black people," and they learn a lot and sometimes even teach me something new. I sometimes make them read one of my favorite books to complement the endeavor. I challenge you guys, the casual readers, to do something similar. Pick a "notable Black person" who you've wondered what all the fuss was about, and find out! Learn as much as you can about them and then answer the question: what was all the fuss about? Of course, you may not have a person who you've ever wondered such about. In that case, pick a "radical". You can never go wrong there. Look up Angela Davis or Assata Shakur or George Jackson or someone along those lines - and I am trying not put a whole list here - and really read their stories. See them as people and see what you think.
For those who are actually desire to be into BFS, however, this should be the start of a lifelong endeavor. All the best to you, either way.
In my household, every month was Black History Month. I knew more than my teachers - no matter their race - about the topics they presented in crossword puzzles and stupid quizzes. Black History Month bothered me because it was basically pointless. You can belittle a person or idea that you may honestly mean to uplift if you aren't careful. I couldn't figure out then why they couldn't pick someone other than those three or someone in addition to those three - though they did in small doses. A little Shirley Chisholm would have been interesting, as far as "safe bets" went, I always thought.
As I aged and we were allowed to pick our own people to write about I enjoyed BHM a lot more. I loved to teach, even then, and so I picked interesting people with interesting stories. A lot of my teachers started out afraid that I would be "too radical" which was rather silly, in my opinion, but they soon learned that I had a real interest simply in showing different, dynamic people.
And so began my love affair with Black History Month. I realized then that I could use the month as a time to reflect, consider, and evolve in my own life. It became the start to my personal year and at this point in my life I don't really feel solidly like the new year has begun until 2/1. The silly McDonald's-sponsored Black History Month commercials and all don't even bother me anymore....well, at least not as much as they used to.
In February I always have my personal subs spend some time learning about one of my favorite "notable Black people," and they learn a lot and sometimes even teach me something new. I sometimes make them read one of my favorite books to complement the endeavor. I challenge you guys, the casual readers, to do something similar. Pick a "notable Black person" who you've wondered what all the fuss was about, and find out! Learn as much as you can about them and then answer the question: what was all the fuss about? Of course, you may not have a person who you've ever wondered such about. In that case, pick a "radical". You can never go wrong there. Look up Angela Davis or Assata Shakur or George Jackson or someone along those lines - and I am trying not put a whole list here - and really read their stories. See them as people and see what you think.
For those who are actually desire to be into BFS, however, this should be the start of a lifelong endeavor. All the best to you, either way.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
It isn't supposed to be fun...(?)
Somewhere in my last post I typed the phrase "it isn't supposed to be fun" (or something like that) and I had a sub ask me today, "well if it's not supposed to be fun, what is the point of it all?"
Tonight I was working on something else entirely and that question popped up in my head again. At the time I simply responded "that depends upon the person, I suppose," which led other places, because it was the kind of question that takes so much to respond to any satisfying degree. And for some, it is supposed to be fun, but I have absolutely no desire to spend any time with those sorts.
In the first post on this blog I spoke of the difference between pro-Dommes and lifestyle Dommes. Paying submissives are paying for a fantasy and paying for "fun." Those types can have a session tailor-made for their own kinks or fetishes and after a good spanking or whatever it is they want - even if they want a Domme to go to work on them however she sees fit - they can go home satisfied while the Domme might have satisfied her own sadistic urges but she may have gotten nothing out of it at all except money. [Some submissives love to call pro-Dommes whores for that reason, which of course is flawed logic as what I described is "work" at its core. It would be the same to say a masseuse or barber was a whore...but I digress.] But that is the trade-off for paying subs and pro Dommes. Like being fed a cracker when one is starving, it will do for the moment but it's not really satisfying.
For lifestyle subs, particularly slaves, the dynamic is totally different. The lifestyle slave is drawn to and fed by a deep, lasting submission that is not fun but necessary. The biggest (perhaps only) punishment for this type is to not be able to serve someone in that manner. The true slave does not look for fun but knows that there is beauty in sacrifice, hard work, and dedication. Even when such a slave is unowned, the desire is still strong and palpable for them and they do things, even small things, to try and serve when needed.
And of course, this type is more attractive than anyone else to its counterpart, the lifestyle Domme. I talk a lot about "types" of slaves and submissives, because the reality is there are many and they are compatible with their dominant counterpart (like the person who loves to give physical pain is a good match for those who love to receive it), but the theoretical slave - and best slave - is clay waiting to be molded into whatever its Domme desires. For me, the temptation is there to take a pain slut and turn it into something else entirely just to teach it that its desires are not its own, but the reality is there are many theoretical slaves who in practice have limits that are make-or-break and those are often the ones who want it to be "fun;" however they define it.
I cannot verify this and I have no idea if it is true or not, but in conversation a sub once said that Black Dommes are more "spiritual" about the D/s dynamic and much less sexual than other Dommes, particularly white ones. This sub was upset about this because he was physically attracted to Black Dommes but didn't like how they downplayed the sexual side of D/s. As I laughed, another sub said that his attraction to Black Dommes was based on the fact that he was more ritual-based and believed in the deeper parts of the D/s dynamic and found that he complemented that ideology. This sub wanted more than just a slap, tickle, or fuck, he said. This sub wanted something he could drown in emotionally. So perhaps that is a notable difference about "types" as well.
I will not argue, obviously, that even my theoretical "perfect" slave has a selfish reason at the base for why they want to be enslaved. I do not believe in altruism, particularly in submissives. But, fun is fleeting and easy while things that take lifetimes to develop and dedicate to have moments of pure bliss but are not roundly fun. For a pianist the concert is probably great fun but the lifetime of learning to play the damned thing and get to that level then maintain it is arduous work that is full of challenges. But the pianist plays because she must, not because she likes it - even if sometimes she does.
Tonight I was working on something else entirely and that question popped up in my head again. At the time I simply responded "that depends upon the person, I suppose," which led other places, because it was the kind of question that takes so much to respond to any satisfying degree. And for some, it is supposed to be fun, but I have absolutely no desire to spend any time with those sorts.
In the first post on this blog I spoke of the difference between pro-Dommes and lifestyle Dommes. Paying submissives are paying for a fantasy and paying for "fun." Those types can have a session tailor-made for their own kinks or fetishes and after a good spanking or whatever it is they want - even if they want a Domme to go to work on them however she sees fit - they can go home satisfied while the Domme might have satisfied her own sadistic urges but she may have gotten nothing out of it at all except money. [Some submissives love to call pro-Dommes whores for that reason, which of course is flawed logic as what I described is "work" at its core. It would be the same to say a masseuse or barber was a whore...but I digress.] But that is the trade-off for paying subs and pro Dommes. Like being fed a cracker when one is starving, it will do for the moment but it's not really satisfying.
For lifestyle subs, particularly slaves, the dynamic is totally different. The lifestyle slave is drawn to and fed by a deep, lasting submission that is not fun but necessary. The biggest (perhaps only) punishment for this type is to not be able to serve someone in that manner. The true slave does not look for fun but knows that there is beauty in sacrifice, hard work, and dedication. Even when such a slave is unowned, the desire is still strong and palpable for them and they do things, even small things, to try and serve when needed.
And of course, this type is more attractive than anyone else to its counterpart, the lifestyle Domme. I talk a lot about "types" of slaves and submissives, because the reality is there are many and they are compatible with their dominant counterpart (like the person who loves to give physical pain is a good match for those who love to receive it), but the theoretical slave - and best slave - is clay waiting to be molded into whatever its Domme desires. For me, the temptation is there to take a pain slut and turn it into something else entirely just to teach it that its desires are not its own, but the reality is there are many theoretical slaves who in practice have limits that are make-or-break and those are often the ones who want it to be "fun;" however they define it.
I cannot verify this and I have no idea if it is true or not, but in conversation a sub once said that Black Dommes are more "spiritual" about the D/s dynamic and much less sexual than other Dommes, particularly white ones. This sub was upset about this because he was physically attracted to Black Dommes but didn't like how they downplayed the sexual side of D/s. As I laughed, another sub said that his attraction to Black Dommes was based on the fact that he was more ritual-based and believed in the deeper parts of the D/s dynamic and found that he complemented that ideology. This sub wanted more than just a slap, tickle, or fuck, he said. This sub wanted something he could drown in emotionally. So perhaps that is a notable difference about "types" as well.
I will not argue, obviously, that even my theoretical "perfect" slave has a selfish reason at the base for why they want to be enslaved. I do not believe in altruism, particularly in submissives. But, fun is fleeting and easy while things that take lifetimes to develop and dedicate to have moments of pure bliss but are not roundly fun. For a pianist the concert is probably great fun but the lifetime of learning to play the damned thing and get to that level then maintain it is arduous work that is full of challenges. But the pianist plays because she must, not because she likes it - even if sometimes she does.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Rejection sucks**
I was going to write about key-holding but decided to change it. I actually went through several other topics before I settled down on this one.
In the past 24 hours I have rejected three submissives for three different reasons and the three subs involved were at different points in their relationship with me. As I sat here staring at the other topics I had typed about for today’s post, I realized that my mind was on the nuances of rejection in the D/s relationship. The three subs in today’s experiences are good illustrations of some major themes in the discussion.
The first sub I rejected I had been in contact with for only a few weeks. I was wary of him as he had shown some obviously aggressive behaviors early on and I decided conclusively that he was not right today. The second sub was a much more submissive type in some ways, but he had the clear problem of fulfilling his assignments, if at all, much too late and too shoddily. The first sub generally fulfilled his assignments, but his assignments had a deeper meaning as tests, which he failed.
The third sub was one that I rejected a while ago for his extremely aggressive nature. This particular sub was quite pushy and was given clear boundaries that he broke immediately for the sake of his own self-interest. I rejected him in the sense that I told him, yet again, that I wanted nothing to do with him. In this instance he approached me as if for the first time, and it is possible that he believed it was, though he has used all sorts of tactics in the past.
I have to reject people pretty often, because it is my job as a Domme to be aware of what is best for me and any potential. Assuming that every online sub who contacts me is 100% sincere, it only makes sense that only a few would be actually compatible with me, and vice versa. Sometimes it is easy to spot a non-compatible sub: maybe they desire to be caged 24/7 or completely transformed into women, or have some other deep desire on which their submission is based that I am not into. But more often it is personality, beliefs, or something that takes time to correctly identify.
As such, I dedicate a lot of time to interviewing and testing potentials. It is extremely rare for anyone to get to the point of being actually owned by me as I am every bit as picky as I should be. And it is designed to be a lengthy and tiresome process, as slavery is not supposed to be “fun” and I am always happy when someone finally shows their true nature and can be rejected in good faith.
I do not reject people in anger, nor am I rude. I have no reason to be either. On the other hand, the vast majority of subs react in two basic ways. The first is to try very hard to convince me that they are indeed worthy. This can last for a short time, as it did for the second sub I discussed above, or be ongoing, as the third sub illustrates. More frequent, and often what occurs after a sub has tried to convince me otherwise, is blatant disrespect.
Some subs love to show their balls, so to speak, after being rejected by saying things meant to hurt. This is expected, especially from certain types, like the first sub I discussed. What they never seem to realize is a simple truth about Dommes: once we decide we don’t want someone, there is nothing they can do to be accepted back or to anger us. I actually allow subs to say whatever they want in order to deal with their anger and get over it at that point, just because it is better that way. Nothing one can say can actually anger me, instead they simply prove that I made the right decision.
This is not to say, however, that it is easy for me to reject potentials. In theory, I want to accept everyone and it would be great if everyone was my perfect match and could give me 110% of their devotion. But I make peace with my decision before I tell them that they are not what I need and vice versa, because I must be sure of my own decisions. I can understand the frustration a submissive feels at rejection and I get no joy out of it.
For the submissives who actually want to make a lasting impression, nothing tugs at a Domme's heart strings than a sub who is good, deeply submissive, and extremely respectful until the end (and beyond). Those are the subs who make you wonder from time to time if you made the right decision. I once ran into a sub I’d rejected a year or so prior at a dry cleaners (this was a real-time sub, obviously) and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, as humble and respectful as ever, and almost acquiesced when he made an offer (which is another topic entirely).
But that is rare. It is also rare for a sub to get deeply upset when they are rejected but there are those types who will have a vendetta against a Domme who rejects them. A friend of mine, a transsexual Domme, was beaten nearly to death by a sub she rejected. We all have our horror stories, in fact, about subs who went a bit nuts when they were rejected. Unfortunately, no matter how nicely that sort is let down, they are likely to react in an outrageous way.
I received a message from another sub I had previously rejected today. This particular sub went so far as to create another screen name and go into a whole thing under that identity in order to eventually hurt me. Of course, this person never said “Hey, I’m _________” but he didn’t have to as I knew pretty early on. While I dealt with the “other” sub, I never bothered to address that facet of the situation because I knew he would never admit it anyway. And when I received the message today from that sub, I did what it is always best to do with those sorts; I deleted the message without reading it.
** There will be a bonus post this upcoming week as I have written about a few topics. That one will be more impersonal and theory-based. The goal here is to find a balance between my personal rants and the actual, useful information and discussion about the lifestyle and beyond.
In the past 24 hours I have rejected three submissives for three different reasons and the three subs involved were at different points in their relationship with me. As I sat here staring at the other topics I had typed about for today’s post, I realized that my mind was on the nuances of rejection in the D/s relationship. The three subs in today’s experiences are good illustrations of some major themes in the discussion.
The first sub I rejected I had been in contact with for only a few weeks. I was wary of him as he had shown some obviously aggressive behaviors early on and I decided conclusively that he was not right today. The second sub was a much more submissive type in some ways, but he had the clear problem of fulfilling his assignments, if at all, much too late and too shoddily. The first sub generally fulfilled his assignments, but his assignments had a deeper meaning as tests, which he failed.
The third sub was one that I rejected a while ago for his extremely aggressive nature. This particular sub was quite pushy and was given clear boundaries that he broke immediately for the sake of his own self-interest. I rejected him in the sense that I told him, yet again, that I wanted nothing to do with him. In this instance he approached me as if for the first time, and it is possible that he believed it was, though he has used all sorts of tactics in the past.
I have to reject people pretty often, because it is my job as a Domme to be aware of what is best for me and any potential. Assuming that every online sub who contacts me is 100% sincere, it only makes sense that only a few would be actually compatible with me, and vice versa. Sometimes it is easy to spot a non-compatible sub: maybe they desire to be caged 24/7 or completely transformed into women, or have some other deep desire on which their submission is based that I am not into. But more often it is personality, beliefs, or something that takes time to correctly identify.
As such, I dedicate a lot of time to interviewing and testing potentials. It is extremely rare for anyone to get to the point of being actually owned by me as I am every bit as picky as I should be. And it is designed to be a lengthy and tiresome process, as slavery is not supposed to be “fun” and I am always happy when someone finally shows their true nature and can be rejected in good faith.
I do not reject people in anger, nor am I rude. I have no reason to be either. On the other hand, the vast majority of subs react in two basic ways. The first is to try very hard to convince me that they are indeed worthy. This can last for a short time, as it did for the second sub I discussed above, or be ongoing, as the third sub illustrates. More frequent, and often what occurs after a sub has tried to convince me otherwise, is blatant disrespect.
Some subs love to show their balls, so to speak, after being rejected by saying things meant to hurt. This is expected, especially from certain types, like the first sub I discussed. What they never seem to realize is a simple truth about Dommes: once we decide we don’t want someone, there is nothing they can do to be accepted back or to anger us. I actually allow subs to say whatever they want in order to deal with their anger and get over it at that point, just because it is better that way. Nothing one can say can actually anger me, instead they simply prove that I made the right decision.
This is not to say, however, that it is easy for me to reject potentials. In theory, I want to accept everyone and it would be great if everyone was my perfect match and could give me 110% of their devotion. But I make peace with my decision before I tell them that they are not what I need and vice versa, because I must be sure of my own decisions. I can understand the frustration a submissive feels at rejection and I get no joy out of it.
For the submissives who actually want to make a lasting impression, nothing tugs at a Domme's heart strings than a sub who is good, deeply submissive, and extremely respectful until the end (and beyond). Those are the subs who make you wonder from time to time if you made the right decision. I once ran into a sub I’d rejected a year or so prior at a dry cleaners (this was a real-time sub, obviously) and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, as humble and respectful as ever, and almost acquiesced when he made an offer (which is another topic entirely).
But that is rare. It is also rare for a sub to get deeply upset when they are rejected but there are those types who will have a vendetta against a Domme who rejects them. A friend of mine, a transsexual Domme, was beaten nearly to death by a sub she rejected. We all have our horror stories, in fact, about subs who went a bit nuts when they were rejected. Unfortunately, no matter how nicely that sort is let down, they are likely to react in an outrageous way.
I received a message from another sub I had previously rejected today. This particular sub went so far as to create another screen name and go into a whole thing under that identity in order to eventually hurt me. Of course, this person never said “Hey, I’m _________” but he didn’t have to as I knew pretty early on. While I dealt with the “other” sub, I never bothered to address that facet of the situation because I knew he would never admit it anyway. And when I received the message today from that sub, I did what it is always best to do with those sorts; I deleted the message without reading it.
** There will be a bonus post this upcoming week as I have written about a few topics. That one will be more impersonal and theory-based. The goal here is to find a balance between my personal rants and the actual, useful information and discussion about the lifestyle and beyond.
Friday, January 8, 2010
In the works...
Today I set up a lot that I had frankly been procrastinating on. I implore you to check out the website - which is blank aside from a kick-ass "parked" page - and bookmark it. I am integrating all sorts of tools into the site as I build it, including an internet-based radio show that you can listen to weekly right from the website itself. I am also busy as a bee working on the other projects which I will not formally announce for two more weeks (but I am super-excited about). I also set up a yahoo group, which I will link to here and I am in the process of choosing a moderator for that.
I was supposed to discuss Black Female Supremacy today but I will do it tomorrow as I have a lot more to finish up on tonight. I will probably begin to use the yahoo group for updates and use this for blogs only. Until then...
I was supposed to discuss Black Female Supremacy today but I will do it tomorrow as I have a lot more to finish up on tonight. I will probably begin to use the yahoo group for updates and use this for blogs only. Until then...
Friday, January 1, 2010
Lifestyle vs. Pro Domme
I thought my first few posts should discuss who I am, and I guess lifestyle vs. professional is as good a place to start as any. I am both in that I am/have been a professional Domme but being a Domme is totally who I am as well. The professional Emme is me if I were a superhero, almost like a caricature of who I am. I do not wear leather or vinyl and seven inch heels all day in my personal life (though I LOVE heels, particularly high-heeled boots) and I am not cracking a whip at all times either. And yet I am naturally dominant and naturally attracted to submissive types. I rarely raise my voice, can be very quiet, and I have a plethora of interests and involvements outside of D/s or BDSM. At the same time, sexual decadence and kink are "home" for me.
I have no "vanilla" life as all of things are interspersed into my life and I am content with every facet of who I am. In a grocery store I am normal because I am a normal person. Does my family know about my lifestyle? Yes, though different people know different things and the extent of their knowledge reflects how close we are. I don't write a monthly newsletter to extended family to let them know about all of my D/s activities or any other activities, for that matter, but my sister, for example, knows most of my lifestyle, whereas my parents know major themes but not details.
I have seen major debates about whether a lifestyle Domme can and/or should be a pro Domme as well. For me, the two are not mutually exclusive and one can easily see which pro Dommes aren't actually lifestylers. I think being a professional Domme as a lifestyle Domme is similar to doing anything professionally that your life is filled with and what you are or what comes naturally to you personally. If a mother with several children who loved motherhood, children, etc was also a daycare provider or teacher there would be a list of negatives and positives about her profession. Sure she would likely be great at it but she could potentially experience "burn out" quicker than her coworkers too. Does her work make her less of a mother or vice versa? I don't think so.
Some submissive types want a Domme with all of the tools of the trade to be ready and willing to schedule sessions whenever the submissive has time, do what the submissive gets off on, and not earn a dime for her trouble. Yeah right. That sort of thing is a service and services are rarely free. There are certainly some subs who desire nothing more than to come clean, provide service, receive instruction/reward, and go on their way. Those subs are the cornerstone of the community in many ways and they understand the give-and-take and really shouldn't be charged, in my opinion, as an equal exchange occurs. But others want to be tortured, whipped, and humiliated for three hours (or whatever time frame) and that, my dears, is work. Now if that submissive is collared or owned and that is part of his/her training or what have you, that is fine, but subs who want session work based on their own desires or fetishes are fetishists and clients, not lifestylers.
This was a drag to write but it's best to get the unsavory things out of the way early. Up next is one of my favorite topics... BFS!
I have no "vanilla" life as all of things are interspersed into my life and I am content with every facet of who I am. In a grocery store I am normal because I am a normal person. Does my family know about my lifestyle? Yes, though different people know different things and the extent of their knowledge reflects how close we are. I don't write a monthly newsletter to extended family to let them know about all of my D/s activities or any other activities, for that matter, but my sister, for example, knows most of my lifestyle, whereas my parents know major themes but not details.
I have seen major debates about whether a lifestyle Domme can and/or should be a pro Domme as well. For me, the two are not mutually exclusive and one can easily see which pro Dommes aren't actually lifestylers. I think being a professional Domme as a lifestyle Domme is similar to doing anything professionally that your life is filled with and what you are or what comes naturally to you personally. If a mother with several children who loved motherhood, children, etc was also a daycare provider or teacher there would be a list of negatives and positives about her profession. Sure she would likely be great at it but she could potentially experience "burn out" quicker than her coworkers too. Does her work make her less of a mother or vice versa? I don't think so.
Some submissive types want a Domme with all of the tools of the trade to be ready and willing to schedule sessions whenever the submissive has time, do what the submissive gets off on, and not earn a dime for her trouble. Yeah right. That sort of thing is a service and services are rarely free. There are certainly some subs who desire nothing more than to come clean, provide service, receive instruction/reward, and go on their way. Those subs are the cornerstone of the community in many ways and they understand the give-and-take and really shouldn't be charged, in my opinion, as an equal exchange occurs. But others want to be tortured, whipped, and humiliated for three hours (or whatever time frame) and that, my dears, is work. Now if that submissive is collared or owned and that is part of his/her training or what have you, that is fine, but subs who want session work based on their own desires or fetishes are fetishists and clients, not lifestylers.
This was a drag to write but it's best to get the unsavory things out of the way early. Up next is one of my favorite topics... BFS!
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