Perspective

So, all last month I was trying to figure out how to start discussing the topic of Black Female Supremacy. It was the perfect time to begin discussing it, as it was Black History Month. The problem was, I couldn’t figure out how to introduce the topic, as every time I started typing I would realize that I had to explain more and more because my own belief system is based on the sum of my life’s knowledge and experience. And all of that gives me a perspective that is unique to me.

It is part of the reason why I hate when people, particularly in the D/s “community,” assume I am a Christian. It is always absurd to be told “Merry Christmas” by people who know I am a believer in Black Female Supremacy. And I have had subs try to convert me to Christianity, even while they want to marry someone and be a cuckold for life or something else that goes against Christian beliefs. But even that is perspective based: I define religion as a set of beliefs that lead to a way of life and others define it as the belief in a deity or deities. I have never been baptized or Christened and I don’t intend to ever be.

Not only is my perception of religion different, but so is my idea of a Goddess, as it relates to BFS and not D/s. It is almost the difference between the Queen of England and a Queen in ancient Egypt (who were also Goddesses, by the way). For me, Goddess means the Female personification of some larger theme and/or truth, in a universal sense. I believe, as such, that Black Females are Goddesses because they stand for something bigger than themselves. I think this is a great responsibility, however, and it is not one that I think every Black Female can handle. Obviously, most Black Females are unaware of their status, as I define it, so they don’t always act like Goddesses should.

Why do I think Black Women are Goddesses? The answer to that is a long one, but I can shorten it to say that I believe that Black Women are the closest thing to the most ancient source of us as a collective. If concepts such as “human nature” or “human instinct” or any clues to what is natural and “right” for us as the human race exist and are to be believed, I believe that they are innate to Black Females.
The most respected (in most circles) theories on humans say that we started out in Africa and left in waves for different reasons. While there are many, many theories as to why they left, we do know, based on genetics, that we dispersed and those who left first went close by and the next group went farther, etc. and the farther people got the more they changed, in terms of some basic facial features and cultural norms. And a lot was lost along the way.

So much evidence says that ancient Africa was (and some parts of Africa still are) matriarchal and Goddess-based. Anthropologists and archaeologists that represent diverse racial and gender groups have also debunked the old ideas of “cavemen” being the hunter-gatherer, pull a Female by her hair sort as well. Perspective can make the placement of tools to the bones of our distant and ancient relatives mean totally different things. Even the bones and bodies themselves. Both men and women have the capabilities to make breast milk, for example, (and boy babies often leak some from their nipples as newborns as the result of the extra estrogen) and the fact that male hominoids may have breastfed puts “masculinity” in a totally different light.

You see, I think men are beautiful. But I also think they are meant to be submissive, useful, and giving of their time and attention to the Women they serve and the children they care for. I think this is man’s natural state and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. But I think that somewhere along the way men got some sense of hyper-masculinity and totally lost their minds. The conquer mentality, the overly-sexed way of living, the aggressive and violent behaviors, all of that seems to be the proof of something that is out of whack in men. And I think the solution is in Black Women.

At their best, I think Black Females know how to lead without being mean or aggressive. I think we have a sexuality that touches deep (which is why some people seem to think of us and our sexual selves as “animalistic,” though this is not a compliment) and our bodies are attractive in a very ancient sense. I think we possess a strength and sensibility that makes men follow. And while I think these things are innate to all Women, I think it is easiest to spot in Black Women and the darker the Woman, among races, the more these things are seen…Imagine an Indian Woman, a Latino Woman, and a Native American Woman and picture the strengths of each…beautiful.

I think in America and other Western countries, the concepts of Womanhood have been
so awfully distorted that Western white women have a very long way to go. The “women’s lib” movement here started out well but got so fucked up it turned into a bunch of socialites fucking on night-vision cameras who believe that they are somehow “free” and feminine. They are wrong. If Women here had been less involved with burning bras and trying to keep pace with men by being open sexually, they may have learned that the choice itself is the thing, not choosing the most outrageous option, just to prove the choice exists. That’s just stupid.

Because of slavery and the Jim Crow laws that followed it in this country, Black Women here were separate from the “mainstream” from day one. It meant that we kept some of our own beliefs and traditions because we could, however. Even with the new language and religion, something about our former lives stuck with us, perhaps even more than some of our Sisters in Africa who endured colonization that systematically brainwashed them and their men, as that was the purpose. So it’s relatively fresh in our minds, though we are losing it more and more as the generations pass.

But, all of this is my perception based on my perspective. Fortunately, I am not the only one who believes this or parts of this. I am going to start introducing theories and books by relevant people when I broach this topic. I still have a hard time imagining how I am going to explain some things, and if your perspective is very far from my own, you may want to skip those posts.

And you are? (pt 1)

What do you really think about Black people? I mean really, when you think of "Black Woman" or "Black man," what pops up in your head? What about "African-American" Woman or man? Indian? Asian? white? caucasian? How similar is your mental image for "Hawaiian" and "Pacific Islander"?

We all have our own connotations of whatever labels we use. We look at the world through glasses that are colored by our experience and our points of view. We take those things and turn them inward, and we shape ourselves accordingly.

This can be easily validated in the world of D/s. The difference between “sub” and “slave” is telling. The difference between “alpha slave” and “switch” can be insignificant or huge, depending on who’s using the terms. And the same, of course, is true for Dommes.

This past week I’ve pondered that concept a lot. There was a “slave,” for example, whose profile said “if you call yourself a Goddess or a Princess, do not message me.” I thought about what he meant a bit, and though I wasn’t offended and actually agree that “Princess” is a strange title for a Domme, I did find it to be a totally un-slavelike thing to say.

The second scenario was a “sub” who wants to be fully transformed into a slave.. I often tell new potentials to create email addresses, specifically to use in our correspondence. This particular sub chose an address that began with two words in two languages that mean king and ended it with a rather generic “yours” or something. I found it absurd. Of course, his response to questioning was equally absurd. Apparently he believed that he should express that though he was quite privileged he would be mine. And he didn’t use “slave” because he didn’t want to be presumptuous, as he was whatever I deemed, after all. I allowed him another chance and he failed again and that was that.

Now, as it relates to the titles Dommes use, I feel similarly to how I feel about the use of sub and slave. A Domme is the lot of us, but I consider a “Goddess” to be self-actualized much in the same way that I consider a “slave” to be. To me, a Mistress is simply an owner of slaves and a “Queen” is right before Goddess, in the sense of growing towards something. A “Princess” to me reads as a switch or a female alpha slave as her title suggests that someone is ahead of her

But that is my opinion based on my own life and experience, and they have certainly shaped my world. I did not call myself a Goddess or a Queen or even a Domme the first times. But I knew that the transition from Domme, to Queen, to Goddess would be work. For years between teenaged to mid-twenties I stayed at “Queen.” There were certain things that I was afraid of accepting or doing that were inescapable in order to earn the title Goddess.

I smoked cigarettes for years, entirely addicted, and I hated that as it showed I lacked the discipline to quit. And how could I teach anyone else discipline on such a deep level if I had not mastered it myself? I had trepidations at the idea of “coming out of the closet” to everyone I knew, which I didn’t feel I had to do as a Queen. I wasn’t sure even if I could say “forever” and mean it to a slave, and that was obviously important. I thought, maybe I would turn 40 and decide I wanted a husband and kids…then what? And I had never played a submissive role in a relationship. Ever.

As a “Queen” I could have contracts and I could always rip them up before the date I’d set, myself. As a Queen I could have limits. As a Queen I could always change my mind.

At some point I decided to test out a “vanilla” life. I got rid of all my kink and decided to “fall in love” with my best male friend, a submissive guy but not a “submissive,” who’d always been in love with me, moved in and settled down. And I worked HARD at being submissive. Poor darling, I worried him to death. I hadn’t thought about the fact that he was originally drawn to me because I was dominant. He didn’t know how to react to the power I pushed on him.

It was over in six months. It actually ended with a fist fight between the two of us, in which I threw the first and last punches. But those six months taught me so much that to this day, years later, I appreciate every day of that experience. I could relate to subs in a way I had never been able to as I had been there before. I could see, also, how much responsibility it took to be a Domme from the perspective of the one who depended upon the dominance of another. And I appreciated who I am and who subs are more than ever.

It seems like almost everything was easy after that. I wish I could say that quitting smoking was something that took a lot of discipline and patience but in reality it didn’t. One day I just knew I didn’t need them anymore and put the one I was smoking out. It was the same attitude I used when met with a variety of issues that had once been challenges, because I understood that I had no choice in being a Domme or a “regular” woman and there was no going back. When subs speak of the need, I can relate.

I expect more from myself than ever. And yes, I get frustrated with myself when I am angered by something or someone that I should be beyond. I take myself to task if I worry about what someone thinks of me, or compare myself to other women, or consider bending my principles.

Of all the things I learned over those six months, I suppose I am happiest that I made peace with the “nice” and maternal version of myself. For a while I was unsure of how that fit in the otherwise dominant woman. I felt almost ashamed of being sensitive to the fact that, yes, I was attracted to seeing a crawling, pained man coming towards me in absolute bliss because it made me want to stroke and torture him. I thought for a while that “We” were supposed to kick instead of stretch and cut instead of scratch deeply and leisurely. Popping a nipple into the mouth of a sub while hurting him was something I was bothered by, even though I loved it.

Being a Goddess meant no more “Us” and instead simply me. I have no peers in the sense that I live the life I gave something up for and it is mine alone. Whatever other Dommes do, whatever the subs who are not under me like, whatever the “community” uses to define the D and the s have nothing at all to do with who I am and what I like. I earned my title the hard way and I don’t intend to be anything different or anything less…even when it’s hard.

And you are?

(Part 1 is dedicated to a sissy who will one day be a slave [take care] and a bitch who was once a pig and is being born today, on its birthday [welcome])

Rejection sucks**

I was going to write about key-holding but decided to change it. I actually went through several other topics before I settled down on this one.

In the past 24 hours I have rejected three submissives for three different reasons and the three subs involved were at different points in their relationship with me. As I sat here staring at the other topics I had typed about for today’s post, I realized that my mind was on the nuances of rejection in the D/s relationship. The three subs in today’s experiences are good illustrations of some major themes in the discussion.

The first sub I rejected I had been in contact with for only a few weeks. I was wary of him as he had shown some obviously aggressive behaviors early on and I decided conclusively that he was not right today. The second sub was a much more submissive type in some ways, but he had the clear problem of fulfilling his assignments, if at all, much too late and too shoddily. The first sub generally fulfilled his assignments, but his assignments had a deeper meaning as tests, which he failed.

The third sub was one that I rejected a while ago for his extremely aggressive nature. This particular sub was quite pushy and was given clear boundaries that he broke immediately for the sake of his own self-interest. I rejected him in the sense that I told him, yet again, that I wanted nothing to do with him. In this instance he approached me as if for the first time, and it is possible that he believed it was, though he has used all sorts of tactics in the past.

I have to reject people pretty often, because it is my job as a Domme to be aware of what is best for me and any potential. Assuming that every online sub who contacts me is 100% sincere, it only makes sense that only a few would be actually compatible with me, and vice versa. Sometimes it is easy to spot a non-compatible sub: maybe they desire to be caged 24/7 or completely transformed into women, or have some other deep desire on which their submission is based that I am not into. But more often it is personality, beliefs, or something that takes time to correctly identify.

As such, I dedicate a lot of time to interviewing and testing potentials. It is extremely rare for anyone to get to the point of being actually owned by me as I am every bit as picky as I should be. And it is designed to be a lengthy and tiresome process, as slavery is not supposed to be “fun” and I am always happy when someone finally shows their true nature and can be rejected in good faith.

I do not reject people in anger, nor am I rude. I have no reason to be either. On the other hand, the vast majority of subs react in two basic ways. The first is to try very hard to convince me that they are indeed worthy. This can last for a short time, as it did for the second sub I discussed above, or be ongoing, as the third sub illustrates. More frequent, and often what occurs after a sub has tried to convince me otherwise, is blatant disrespect.

Some subs love to show their balls, so to speak, after being rejected by saying things meant to hurt. This is expected, especially from certain types, like the first sub I discussed. What they never seem to realize is a simple truth about Dommes: once we decide we don’t want someone, there is nothing they can do to be accepted back or to anger us. I actually allow subs to say whatever they want in order to deal with their anger and get over it at that point, just because it is better that way. Nothing one can say can actually anger me, instead they simply prove that I made the right decision.

This is not to say, however, that it is easy for me to reject potentials. In theory, I want to accept everyone and it would be great if everyone was my perfect match and could give me 110% of their devotion. But I make peace with my decision before I tell them that they are not what I need and vice versa, because I must be sure of my own decisions. I can understand the frustration a submissive feels at rejection and I get no joy out of it.

For the submissives who actually want to make a lasting impression, nothing tugs at a Domme's heart strings than a sub who is good, deeply submissive, and extremely respectful until the end (and beyond). Those are the subs who make you wonder from time to time if you made the right decision. I once ran into a sub I’d rejected a year or so prior at a dry cleaners (this was a real-time sub, obviously) and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, as humble and respectful as ever, and almost acquiesced when he made an offer (which is another topic entirely).

But that is rare. It is also rare for a sub to get deeply upset when they are rejected but there are those types who will have a vendetta against a Domme who rejects them. A friend of mine, a transsexual Domme, was beaten nearly to death by a sub she rejected. We all have our horror stories, in fact, about subs who went a bit nuts when they were rejected. Unfortunately, no matter how nicely that sort is let down, they are likely to react in an outrageous way.

I received a message from another sub I had previously rejected today. This particular sub went so far as to create another screen name and go into a whole thing under that identity in order to eventually hurt me. Of course, this person never said “Hey, I’m _________” but he didn’t have to as I knew pretty early on. While I dealt with the “other” sub, I never bothered to address that facet of the situation because I knew he would never admit it anyway. And when I received the message today from that sub, I did what it is always best to do with those sorts; I deleted the message without reading it.

** There will be a bonus post this upcoming week as I have written about a few topics. That one will be more impersonal and theory-based. The goal here is to find a balance between my personal rants and the actual, useful information and discussion about the lifestyle and beyond.

To Be or Not to Be (Chaste).

Last week I was asked by a man who was interested in being a submissive why chastity was so important to subs/slaves. Chastity is one of those things that some subs are extremely interested in and others consider a hard limit. However, chastity is one of the most basic elements of submission, particularly with males [I should add here that when I discuss the topic of submissive people I mean men by default].

The very nature of chastity, or not being in control of one’s sexuality, takes away one of the “rights” we take for granted. Even for the abstinent or virginal person, often masturbation is a way to keep ones sexual urges at bay. Men seem to obsess about sex and their male genitalia more than women, especially when you look at pop culture references about the differences between the sexes/genders. Though this is not completely true, both sexes do their part to keep the stereotype in place. Indeed, men’s sexuality has been celebrated and aligns with the concept of man as conqueror while making sex another way for Women to be subjugated (or conquered).

Enforced chastity, especially when the submissive is male and he does it for a Domme, elaborates that the submissive recognizes the problem with that sort of thinking and is making himself an example of another state of being for men. Subs who use chastity devices – especially full-time – always speak of the deep sense of submission and satisfaction they feel when they are “locked in” and in time often come to rely upon that feeling and begin to feel uncomfortable when left “naked” without their devices. By handing over what “makes them male” to their Domme the subs show that they no longer control that part of themselves and have come to accept that their penises are not meant to simply gain sexual pleasure . Their function of waste disposal is highlighted as often subs find themselves having to make adjustments to how they position their bodies when they urinate and many find it useful to sit while doing it – yet another way to show submission.

A submissive can learn to use their bodies in much more novel ways to give pleasure while they are locked in chastity. They may be allowed to use strap-on sex toys when/if their Domme requires penetration or they may become masters at the art of oral pleasure. They may use other sex toys or be considered a walking sex toy for their Domme and/or whoever She decides they perform for. They will soon begin to listen to the bodies that they service for instruction, concentrate more, and begin to derive pleasure from giving pleasure: a true goal of the submissive and an example of man in his natural state, in my opinion. They may be used as receptacles as well and learn to enjoy receiving a strap-on, dildo, or real penis.

Indeed, prostate pleasure can be effectively explored when the male genitalia is locked away. Instead of the rushed sense of masturbation and even genital sex, males can learn to ejaculate through slow and steady prostate massage, tantric means, and can be trained – over time – to cum on demand; a really neat trick at parties. ;) The male submissive learns to expand his sexual horizons and other erogenous zones may be found on his body that were completely missed in his earlier life. Indeed, a submissive may become extremely orgasmic, even if in a strictly mental sense, after being locked in chastity for a long period. As part of a behavior modification and new submissive training program, chastity can be an awesome tool to help teach correct behaviors and instill certain emotions in a submissive, and as a lifelong/full-time measure can certainly enhance the sexual pleasures of both D and s….and I am getting quite worked up discussing it.

Next week I will discuss the role of the Keyholder and some tips for the successful use of such devices for both parties.

In the works...

Today I set up a lot that I had frankly been procrastinating on. I implore you to check out the website - which is blank aside from a kick-ass "parked" page - and bookmark it. I am integrating all sorts of tools into the site as I build it, including an internet-based radio show that you can listen to weekly right from the website itself. I am also busy as a bee working on the other projects which I will not formally announce for two more weeks (but I am super-excited about). I also set up a yahoo group, which I will link to here and I am in the process of choosing a moderator for that.

I was supposed to discuss Black Female Supremacy today but I will do it tomorrow as I have a lot more to finish up on tonight. I will probably begin to use the yahoo group for updates and use this for blogs only. Until then...

Lifestyle vs. Pro Domme

I thought my first few posts should discuss who I am, and I guess lifestyle vs. professional is as good a place to start as any. I am both in that I am/have been a professional Domme but being a Domme is totally who I am as well. The professional Emme is me if I were a superhero, almost like a caricature of who I am. I do not wear leather or vinyl and seven inch heels all day in my personal life (though I LOVE heels, particularly high-heeled boots) and I am not cracking a whip at all times either. And yet I am naturally dominant and naturally attracted to submissive types. I rarely raise my voice, can be very quiet, and I have a plethora of interests and involvements outside of D/s or BDSM. At the same time, sexual decadence and kink are "home" for me.

I have no "vanilla" life as all of things are interspersed into my life and I am content with every facet of who I am. In a grocery store I am normal because I am a normal person. Does my family know about my lifestyle? Yes, though different people know different things and the extent of their knowledge reflects how close we are. I don't write a monthly newsletter to extended family to let them know about all of my D/s activities or any other activities, for that matter, but my sister, for example, knows most of my lifestyle, whereas my parents know major themes but not details.

I have seen major debates about whether a lifestyle Domme can and/or should be a pro Domme as well. For me, the two are not mutually exclusive and one can easily see which pro Dommes aren't actually lifestylers. I think being a professional Domme as a lifestyle Domme is similar to doing anything professionally that your life is filled with and what you are or what comes naturally to you personally. If a mother with several children who loved motherhood, children, etc was also a daycare provider or teacher there would be a list of negatives and positives about her profession. Sure she would likely be great at it but she could potentially experience "burn out" quicker than her coworkers too. Does her work make her less of a mother or vice versa? I don't think so.

Some submissive types want a Domme with all of the tools of the trade to be ready and willing to schedule sessions whenever the submissive has time, do what the submissive gets off on, and not earn a dime for her trouble. Yeah right. That sort of thing is a service and services are rarely free. There are certainly some subs who desire nothing more than to come clean, provide service, receive instruction/reward, and go on their way. Those subs are the cornerstone of the community in many ways and they understand the give-and-take and really shouldn't be charged, in my opinion, as an equal exchange occurs. But others want to be tortured, whipped, and humiliated for three hours (or whatever time frame) and that, my dears, is work. Now if that submissive is collared or owned and that is part of his/her training or what have you, that is fine, but subs who want session work based on their own desires or fetishes are fetishists and clients, not lifestylers.

This was a drag to write but it's best to get the unsavory things out of the way early. Up next is one of my favorite topics... BFS!