Q: New Pro-Domme Basics

I didn't even know any Dommes read the blog, so I was rather surprised, but definitely pleased, to get a question from one.

Q: I am just starting out as a pro-Domme. What things do you consider “must haves” for me?

A: First, I have to assume that if you don’t have clients already lined up, you know that you can/will have them. This isn’t a matter of how “good” you think you are, but your geographic area, its populace, and its economic situation. If you are living in a rural area, for example, unless your area has a cache of wealthy people, you may want to consider being a traveling Domme or having your customers travel to you – which will likely mean you will have less clients but charge more and you will need to cater to a certain crowd.

If you have already figured that part out, the first “must have” is a dedicated training place for your subs. This doesn’t mean an area in your home or a separate apartment. It could be a seedy but safe motel or, if you’re a traveling Domme, a chain of hotels that you like and know the layout of well. You could also rent a room from someone or, while I don’t recommend it, get a storage unit for the purpose. A dedicated place or type of place allows you to feel a bit more secure and empowered. It gives you a bit of an edge too, and as you’re in your element, allows you to relax and enjoy your work.

It is also extremely important that you have your own “real” and high-quality training tools. While you may be able to require that subs bring their own equipment, you do want repeat customers and to be remunerated well for your time, and this means carrying your own equipment. As a bare minimum, you should have some bondage gear (real, locking, metal handcuffs and ankle cuffs and/or locking arm and leg restraints are a good start), some corporal gear (a well-made leather or rubber crop, made for horse/pig use and a bamboo or rattan cane will suffice), locking ball gags, and some CBT devices (ball stretchers, urethral sounds, or ball busters) are a good start. Things like candles, leashes, and blindfolds can be bought inexpensively elsewhere. Whatever niche, if any, you provide, also make sure you have well-made and good-quality gear for that. It is better to spend more money on a few basic things than buy a lot of cheaply made or “beginner” style equipment that will be essentially useless. Also make sure you have good disinfectants and cleaners for whatever things you reuse that touch mucus membranes or intimate areas.

Finally, let someone you trust in on your whereabouts and schedule. This is really important. It can be as simple as just giving someone the name and telephone number of your sub while also knowing where you will be and when, doing that plus having a system in place in order to ensure your safety (perhaps a specific thing you will say in a text or something to that effect), or you may opt to have a bodyguard-type escort you to your meeting place(s) and either be there discretely or in the room for the duration.

Either way, be safe, enjoy yourself, and the best of luck to you.

Strict chastity: extinct?

I have been sick for about a week now. I am so rarely ill that it is hard for me to function when I am…I do turn into quite the spoiled brat. I’m not 100% but I am certainly better.

Last week I discussed some goodies that I bought and some things I intended to make. While I did not feel well enough to knit (though it would have been a good time to get some knitting done), I did buy more stuff. Go figure. I am happy with my decision to purchase the things I bought as they were the sorts of things I couldn’t think of replacements for and appeared to be pretty good deals to boot. The items haven’t been delivered yet so it’s too soon to tell whether or not I will like them.

This week’s post is actually from a month or so ago. After I typed it, something changed or I found something out so I decided to put it on the back-burner until I could properly investigate whatever new information I came across. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t remember what that information was. I’ve read the post twice and I simply cannot remember if I ever added anything to it or not. So, I may edit this post at a later date if I happen to recall whatever it is that I learned.

Oh, one more thing before I get into the new/old post. I have received a few emailed questions in the past week about this or that related to the overall subjects of D/s, BFS, and consensual slavery. I have not responded and I don’t intend to send responses via email. Instead, I have added the new topics to my list of questions and I have been making my way through them, bit by bit. If you have asked me a question and awaited a response that is why you haven’t gotten one and if you want to email me to ask a question please use ask@goddessemme.com in the future as my personal inbox has been pretty full as of late and I’ve been trying to separate things.

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Part of what happens when anything goes mainstream that was once counter-culture is that it is changed to appeal to the masses. Unfortunately for the original supporters of the new trend, the heart and soul of it is often lost in translation. It seems as though male chastity devices are the new “it thing” and I am sorry to say that the purists out there may be getting a huge “F U” in the process.

Now there may be an old-school sub wearing a leather contraption right now who has to beg to be released long enough to use the bathroom who knows that a piece of plastic with a lock attached is anything but original or pure and I get it. But, while I applaud your Mistress, I have no desire to micromanage that much on a daily basis. And that is what made the cb series so divine.

With the cb series form and function were well put together so that a Domme could ensure her subs were well tucked away and they could live semi-normally while being in constant knowledge that their penises were no longer accessible. And when some subs got tricky and learned to pull out, the points of intrigue were added, giving another layer of security while ensuring repeat and satisfied customers. The addition of plastic locks, for air travel and such, was a nice touch as well.

And while the devices didn’t outright hurt (necessarily), they were uncomfortable enough to make sure a sub knew its place. A sub could wash and urinate somewhat easily but it took some adjusting and getting used to. And of course, they couldn’t get out easily and they didn’t want to: mission accomplished.

Until someone told the housewives. Not that I have anything against the women themselves, but sheesh! The first time I heard about chastity in the “vanilla” world it was some program/article about a woman who found out her husband was cheating and instead of leaving him, as they had children, she decided to go to “extreme measures” to ensure he was being faithful. I chuckled in a “Girl Power” sort of way and forgot about it.

Looking back, I wonder if that’s what did it. Recently, my newest slave-in-training was purchasing things for his basic chastity and he sent me a link to a device he “liked” that I had never seen before. It was a silicone product with great claims about how “comfortable,” can “be cut with simple scissors,” and “no pain during nocturnal erections,” which made me laugh aloud when I first read it.

I laughed too when I assured him that he would not be in such a device and sent him to another site to buy a cb3000. I was a bit disappointed when I realized they only had black, which is pointless in my opinion, but I wasn’t too worried as that site was having a sale. But every site we went to had either black or nothing. Finally we decided on a cb2000, in pink, which I am actually quite fond of. When I checked a few sites a week or so later, however, even they were sold out. And it doesn't seem like they will be coming back.

It is possible that something else exists that is not mainstream enough for me personally to be aware of that suits all of my needs. It is also possible that there are other options that I will be happy with, or even that I get used to the silicone device and/or find that it's not as "comfortable" as it claims or at least can be made less so with a bit of effort, but I find it disheartening that the cb series is likely discontinued.

So, a toast to all the little beads of blood on the penises of good slaves in the past and present due to a stubborn erection and the PoIs of the cb series. Another toast to all of the slaves and subs who are pissed about the disappearance of the cb series and those who are trying to find less-comfy chastity devices now. Oh, and if you have any information about the cb series or good replacements (according to my criteria above), or if you've tried the silicone models, add your thoughts to the comment section (and links if you can) and I will investigate them.

Gird your loins.

Leashes and collars and stretchers, oh my!

Lately I’ve been buying a lot of D/s gear. Of course, fetish stuff is never cheap, and that generally feels right somehow. It’s such a niche that it makes sense that some of the BDSM-specific toys would be pricey. Even if you look at an actual sex toy store versus a fetish store, the fetish store is always pretty expensive. I do what I can to cut down prices on some of the not-so-specific items, especially dildos and whatnot, and generally just accept that the must-haves are almost luxury items.

That said, I have found that if I spend too much time buying fetish stuff from fetish stores I generally lose sight of my “bargain hunter” side and end up wanting the whole set of something unnecessary or wanting an item that I could get almost anywhere but the fetish shop’s version looks better than whatever I would find elsewhere. A great example of this is a simple enema bag. An enema bag can be bought anywhere, pretty much dirt cheap, with all of the great nozzles and uses. Fetish websites have enema bags that cost way over $50, and have the same nozzles or fewer, but they are black and shiny and much easier on the eyes and the sensibilities than one that reminds you of a nursing home.

Sure, a pro Domme can buy the best everything, because they are paid well to create the fantasy and they’re all write-offs anyway. For the lifestyle Domme, in a recession no less, sometimes you have to think a bit smarter, or at least consider your bottom line. It becomes important to ask yourself what is most important and then decide what you can scrimp on.

Personally, I think crops, whips, and paddles should all be the top priority, in terms of expense, as the quality of these items matters. I am a crop fanatic and canes are my runner-up, so I use them often. I prefer buying crops (and whips and floggers, I suppose) from horse stores. They aren’t necessarily more expensive than what you would find in a fetish shop anyway, but they are almost always better-made. I tend to find bamboo canes everywhere. At the farmer’s market, for example, there are stalls for people selling bits of this and that, and I find bamboo walking canes and sticks often. I’m also a fan of a sub getting a switch off of a tree, when necessary, however, so I don’t buy canes as much, though I have broken many. Wooden back-scratchers are good when you don't have a cane handy.

Collars, leashes, and stretchers, however, are the kinds of things that are used
every day but are not really hard-use items. While you may spank someone with a leash if it’s handy, you aren’t doing much else except pulling it or tying it to something. And yet, these three items are some of the most expensive when it comes to their actual value, cost to make, and markup. Why? Because they’re cheaply made, sold widely, but a few embellishments can make a lot of visual difference even if the product is the same.

I must ask, are ball stretchers even necessary as a product? I can think of a million things that can stretch balls for under a dollar or two (if that). But when I see a pretty ball stretcher and the cute weights I always want one. And then I want another one, and so on. Collars are similar. I can buy a million collars and always want another one, because there are so many options, and, I tell myself, so many reasons why I should have every one. In reality, a sub probably needs two and maybe three to four for the sake of having a few options. The outside collar is of course essential, as it needs to be something that can be discreet if it is required, and one for home. A Domme may choose to have one for parties or something “formal” and maybe one more that is good for some other purpose. Some may not need to lock but some should.

Leashes become a matter of being part of a combo/leash set, complementing the collars, or at least being easy on the eyes. So we want the leather or leather-look, or some nice thick chain, or whatever floats our boats. But it gets expensive! Even if you buy the collar/leash combo from pet stores they can still get expensive…as can dog bowls and whatever other things that can be purchased from pet stores, which are of course specialty stores. And sure you can go to Wal-mart or the equivalent, but you normally find the most plain, general purpose bowls and leashes there.

Last week I thought to myself, “the Dollar Store!” and headed to my local Dollar Tree store. And I loved it. I bought a large porcelain dog bowl with a really cute pattern, several leashes, a bunch of locks, and all sorts of “general purpose” stuff that I know I can use in creative ways. Oh, and I bought several collars. Though they were all nylon (like the leashes), some had studs and some had rhinestones, others had interesting patterns, and even others had simple words stamped on them that were much better suited for D/s than real animals (my favorite being a plain black collar with “DOG” plainly printed in white).

The collars came in thin widths and wide widths, and were also different lengths. The shorter lengths with wide widths could be nice for ball stretchers, with the added benefit of having the loop for leash attachment. Many of the collars had leashes that matched them perfectly but were not a set. At $2, who cared? Of course, the quality of the collars weren’t great. I can see that some of the thin ones had short life spans if used for their intended purposes, but some of them looked like chokers, which made them good contenders for outside-use collars.

Now, most of these collars came with the closures that are similar to backpack strap closures, the ones where you squeeze the sides to remove one side from the other (that description sucks, yes, but I’ve been typing for a while now – deal with it). I looked at them hard, however, and I think I can remove those plastic parts and add the right hardware to make them lockable…and did I mention I bought a bunch of locks from there too? There were Velcro ones, too, and those made me think “ball stretchers” even more.

On the topic of ball stretchers and still in the spirit of do-it-yourself (or have a sub do it), I’ve been thinking about ball stretchers that please the eyes and are still dirt cheap. I’ve considered knitting some and/or weaving a few. A good, durable yarn and tight knit and/or weave could also hold a few metal loops for locks and/or leashes. I will probably break out the yarn and needles this week and see if I can make something I like. I may also take pictures of the bounty I bought at the dollar store, and whatever I come up with for stretchers. I spent around $20 in the dollar store, by the way, and spent $40 on one collar, one collar/leash combo, and some anal beads a couple of weeks ago.

Will I stop going on sprees, especially for my favorite items? No. But I will be more creative with those things that are not as personally important but I use often. Who doesn't love a deal?

Context Matters

Today I was accused of being male by an online sub for the very first time and it bothered me greatly. Not so much being called a male, because I think Domme Women deal with that from time to time, but primarily because I apparently "type like a man," which made me think of what he could possibly mean and the difference between males and Females in how we communicate.

First, I will explain the circumstances. I have found that online I appear too "nice" which leads some to believe I am looking for a lapdog. In fact, I am quite sadistic and very kinky but I don't wear it on my sleeve, per se, as I have always been that way so it's nothing to shout about. In speaking with me in real time, I think many subs become hurt that I am not as sweet as they expected. In this case, I was in a very mellow mood and a bit stir-crazy from being trapped in the house for days on end due to the snow. I wanted to enjoy a leisurely chat about nothing in particular because I had spent so much time thinking and typing for this blog and other things. I wanted to get off of theory and back to my own reality.

So, this sub and I began a discussion which led to upsets via online "meetings" and we both shared a few horror stories. While I had varying kinds, his seemed to all be of the "and then I found out 'she' was a guy" variety, which seemed a bit odd but I have never really asked a sub about such things and it sounded likely. The conversation went to him discussing how he could tell a Domme was a guy, based on certain criteria that included how kinky "she" was. That made me think about how I seem outside of actual conversation and I described how I tended to appear more "ladylike" until one really got to know me and how - I believe I used the term "depraved" - I can be. From there we naturally started discussing the kinkiest things we did and I guess mine trumped his, in retrospect.

Now, by this time we'd discussed all sorts of things, from our educations, political beliefs, future plans, etc and I was quite comfortable with telling him something I consider private as I did. And the conversation went on, even though he was pretty caught up in the "wow" factor of my tale, which to me didn't seem that insane. Actually, it involved nothing that could make someone sick, physically hurt, and it was perfectly legal. I found his reaction to be a bit strong but he self-identified as a sub and likely more spanking-based or something.

Near the end of the conversation, now after six in the morning, he asked about the "next step," which suggested that our conversation went well. I told him, as always, that we would have another chat to see if he was consistent in how he behaved in that chat, which I enjoyed. I do that because, as he illustrated today, subs can be quite selfish and spoiled and can change their behavior abruptly as they feel they do not get what they want. And the system works, lol.

I didn't chat with him again until today and he brought up the whole scenario we'd discussed before and began his diatribe by saying he didn't believe it, which pissed me off. After a back-and-forth over it, in which he attempted to backpedal, I told him to go away, as I do when someone shows their true colors in such a manner. And that is when he decided to tell me I was male. It was obvious that he wanted to get a dig in, but I do believe that he used the "must be a man" defense whenever someone dismissed him or didn't fix into his stereotypical mold. One of his reasons, as I explained before, was that I "typed" like a man. Thinking of our initial conversation, context came to mind.

Here is a portion of that original conversation:

Black(5:48 AM): anyway, I will give you one thing that someone told me was pretty disgusting
Black(5:48 AM): which I found rather tame
Black(5:49 AM): I had an older guy sub who I only fed_____________. I only had him for a week though
Black(5:49 AM): he didn't find it disgusting, someone else did
Black(5:49 AM): he loved it, actually, lol
jacksubjones(5:49 AM): you did that!!!!!!!!
jacksubjones(5:50 AM): how did he eat _________________? how did it get int there. i'm trying to picure the mechanics
Black(5:50 AM): yes but this was a sixty-something guy who was so used up that I had to find creative things for him to do
Black(5:52 AM): I would have another sub put the______________________________ and in a couple of hours I would get on my back, have him on his knees, and take the plug out. or I would sit on his face
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): OMG
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): that's so fucking out there
Black(5:52 AM): I thought it rather ingenious, myself, lol
jacksubjones(5:52 AM): i'm amazed on so many levels
jacksubjones(5:53 AM): i'm having a hard time understanding why you would want to be with such a wasted old man to begin with

Now, many of you will fill in the blanks, as it's not so hard to figure out. Granted, he seemed genuinely shocked, but look at the context. A man wants/gives details about such things to get off and a Woman simply shares a story. Also, everyone knows how I feel about older men who have been so used up and worked so admirably for their Dommes only to be traded in for a new model when they are too old to be attractive. Indeed, I take it as almost a duty to give them a bit of happiness when I meet a very good one, though it is often unrealistic to keep them forever as they can be too deeply programmed to their former Mistress' tastes.

So, for those of you who worry about if Dommes are men or not, I say to look at context. A dominant Woman is very different from an aggressive, likely masturbating, "dude" and understanding those - perhaps - small differences, though the above - in my opinion - would have been so much more graphic had a man who was trying to find masturbation bait would have been...which is what they are looking for, I guess.

That's my rant of the week...hey, I like that! I may do one each week, now that I look at it.

The Basics.

There are many practices I believe are extremely important for the owned sub in order to grow and develop its potential. In order to paint with a broad brush I will outline some of them here:

1. Chastity

2. Cuckolding

3. Bisexuality

4. Body modification (to varying degrees)

5. Objectification

6. Caning/whipping

7. Torture/humiliation

8. CBT

9. Bondage

10. Ritual

These ten basics represent some of the foundations of a slave. Some of them, like numbers seven and eight, may appear to be very similar (as CBT is a form of torture) and others may seem to be specifics of larger listed themes (some would say cuckolding and forced bi are kinds of humiliation, for example), while some practices that some would consider “musts” are missing (cross-dressing or forced feminization) and some that I consider musts aren’t to others (rituals, for example). This should let you know that it is all relative.

If I had to pick five from the list that are 100% musts they would be numbers 1-3, 6, and 10. But it is very, very hard for me to pick just five. Potentials always want to know what is in store for them and this list is a good start. Of course there are other things a slave must learn to do that depend upon their use, like body worship, massage, anal training, etc (all of which I am wholeheartedly a proponent of), but that use really should come after an arduous training program that includes the practices listed.

And initial training programs are totally necessary. It takes time and focus to break a sub and “reprogram” it to be what it aspires to. Any good training program uses the above thoughtfully and with dedication, even if the sub is a lifetime slave with decades of experience. It simply has to be taught how to exist under its new conditions and for its new owners. Dommes who don’t methodically train their slaves really do them a disservice and sadly disregard the nature of the relationship and both parties: slaves WANT to submit and NEED proper training, just as Dommes need to know what they’re doing and what works.

Of course, my own training program is personal and wouldn’t necessarily be helpful for anyone other than me. That part of the discussion will happen at the group, for the “hardcore” followers and not the casual readers, as I don’t think it’s really good for un-owned slaves to believe they know what to expect from their training or use based on something that someone else does. It is up to the slave’s Domme and the sub must place its trust in her hands.

The list will be discussed one by one in upcoming posts, though in no particular order and not necessarily on a weekly basis as I have other topics to discuss. One of them, chastity, has already been covered. Some of the more taboo topics will be covered at the yahoo group as they are not for everyone. Indeed, the discussions on all topics will be discussed in a much more personal way, and I expect members to take part. For the casual reader, I assure you there will be more than enough information here.

Kidnapping, Breeding, & Blackmail

---This month I am going to try and cram a lot about my own belief system on BFS into the posts so as to coincide with Black History Month. I have been trying to integrate my beliefs there with other themes in the D/s framework, so there are a lot of segues. Luckily I have been essentially "snowed in" (though I've been dragging it out), so I have been able to write pretty much constantly lately and I have been getting all sorts of things done other than the things that will appear here. There will be more than weekly posts this month. I expect to lose some of you along the way, as I get deeper into what I actually believe in, and I am not for everyone. ---

There are some subs who want to be “forced” into slavery. These subs often have intricate fantasies of exactly how they will be caught, kidnapped, and made to serve. I know some of you instantly know my major problem with those sorts…yes, they are examples of a slave picking its slavery instead of being open to whatever its owner desires. More than that, it is unrealistic. Why? You can’t force someone to do what they want you to do, and are begging for.

This is very similar to my thoughts on the foolishness some Black Female Supremacists (and Black Supremacists) tout on owning white slaves. How silly is it to say something along the lines of “we are enslaving them for enslaving us for hundreds of years,” when you are “enslaving” someone who wants to be enslaved? Consensual slavery is not chattel slavery in the least - even if the model of how the slave is treated is the same - because the slave wants to be enslaved! That is a MAJOR difference. So those who say they are “getting even” when they have a white guy who is in pure heaven while getting his forty lashes or whatever, are ridiculous; you aren't fighting injustice so why pretend? Be dominant; let your own needs be enough of a reason for why you do what you do!

Blackmail is similar. I can understand how the extra “insurance” could seem useful to some, but consensual slavery is a legal minefield anyway, and that sort of thing blurs the line and can really hurt the Domme involved in the end. Because, of course, blackmail is illegal. So, if a sub has blackmail and/or kidnapping in mind for some fantasy enslavement, they are saying “I don’t really trust myself to stay at your heels” or “I think about this to jerk off and either I have no desire to go through with it or I can only do it if completely forced,” and neither of those statements are desirable. There are enough very willing slaves who have the right mindset and can be used in ways that can titillate a Domme’s need for adventure if she has it, on her terms.

Now of course there are 100% real black-market slaves in this day and age, often who are taken as children and made to work in insufferable conditions. I am entirely against that sort of thing. Nor would I ever breed slaves to have a second (or more) generation of slaves, because it is no longer consensual at that point, obviously, for the children involved. I think those sorts of things are heinous and they do absolutely nothing for me. As a dominant, I am attracted to submissive people, and though I do love “breaking” someone into being a slave, it is a process of showing a submissive person their truest selves and it is a beautiful thing, not something as ugly and negative as actual non-consensual slavery.

And the distinction is extremely necessary. A slave should want to protect its Domme from the severe scrutiny and hatred they can face from a populace that doesn’t understand the difference. The Domme (or dom) in any situation can be made out to be a monster while the sub is seen as a poor, brainwashed, misguided soul, which anyone in the life knows is entirely false. It is really up to subs to be as vocal as possible when necessary to people outside of the lifestyle about the truth of the dynamic so that everyone in the lifestyle is protected. Unfortunately, people seem to think Dommes are selfish megalomaniacs, which is more often than not totally not the case at all. Weirdly, "normal" people seem to be able to relate to that concept, however, which says something about them, in my opinion.

It isn't supposed to be fun...(?)

Somewhere in my last post I typed the phrase "it isn't supposed to be fun" (or something like that) and I had a sub ask me today, "well if it's not supposed to be fun, what is the point of it all?"

Tonight I was working on something else entirely and that question popped up in my head again. At the time I simply responded "that depends upon the person, I suppose," which led other places, because it was the kind of question that takes so much to respond to any satisfying degree. And for some, it is supposed to be fun, but I have absolutely no desire to spend any time with those sorts.

In the first post on this blog I spoke of the difference between pro-Dommes and lifestyle Dommes. Paying submissives are paying for a fantasy and paying for "fun." Those types can have a session tailor-made for their own kinks or fetishes and after a good spanking or whatever it is they want - even if they want a Domme to go to work on them however she sees fit - they can go home satisfied while the Domme might have satisfied her own sadistic urges but she may have gotten nothing out of it at all except money. [Some submissives love to call pro-Dommes whores for that reason, which of course is flawed logic as what I described is "work" at its core. It would be the same to say a masseuse or barber was a whore...but I digress.] But that is the trade-off for paying subs and pro Dommes. Like being fed a cracker when one is starving, it will do for the moment but it's not really satisfying.

For lifestyle subs, particularly slaves, the dynamic is totally different. The lifestyle slave is drawn to and fed by a deep, lasting submission that is not fun but necessary. The biggest (perhaps only) punishment for this type is to not be able to serve someone in that manner. The true slave does not look for fun but knows that there is beauty in sacrifice, hard work, and dedication. Even when such a slave is unowned, the desire is still strong and palpable for them and they do things, even small things, to try and serve when needed.

And of course, this type is more attractive than anyone else to its counterpart, the lifestyle Domme. I talk a lot about "types" of slaves and submissives, because the reality is there are many and they are compatible with their dominant counterpart (like the person who loves to give physical pain is a good match for those who love to receive it), but the theoretical slave - and best slave - is clay waiting to be molded into whatever its Domme desires. For me, the temptation is there to take a pain slut and turn it into something else entirely just to teach it that its desires are not its own, but the reality is there are many theoretical slaves who in practice have limits that are make-or-break and those are often the ones who want it to be "fun;" however they define it.

I cannot verify this and I have no idea if it is true or not, but in conversation a sub once said that Black Dommes are more "spiritual" about the D/s dynamic and much less sexual than other Dommes, particularly white ones. This sub was upset about this because he was physically attracted to Black Dommes but didn't like how they downplayed the sexual side of D/s. As I laughed, another sub said that his attraction to Black Dommes was based on the fact that he was more ritual-based and believed in the deeper parts of the D/s dynamic and found that he complemented that ideology. This sub wanted more than just a slap, tickle, or fuck, he said. This sub wanted something he could drown in emotionally. So perhaps that is a notable difference about "types" as well.

I will not argue, obviously, that even my theoretical "perfect" slave has a selfish reason at the base for why they want to be enslaved. I do not believe in altruism, particularly in submissives. But, fun is fleeting and easy while things that take lifetimes to develop and dedicate to have moments of pure bliss but are not roundly fun. For a pianist the concert is probably great fun but the lifetime of learning to play the damned thing and get to that level then maintain it is arduous work that is full of challenges. But the pianist plays because she must, not because she likes it - even if sometimes she does.

Rejection sucks**

I was going to write about key-holding but decided to change it. I actually went through several other topics before I settled down on this one.

In the past 24 hours I have rejected three submissives for three different reasons and the three subs involved were at different points in their relationship with me. As I sat here staring at the other topics I had typed about for today’s post, I realized that my mind was on the nuances of rejection in the D/s relationship. The three subs in today’s experiences are good illustrations of some major themes in the discussion.

The first sub I rejected I had been in contact with for only a few weeks. I was wary of him as he had shown some obviously aggressive behaviors early on and I decided conclusively that he was not right today. The second sub was a much more submissive type in some ways, but he had the clear problem of fulfilling his assignments, if at all, much too late and too shoddily. The first sub generally fulfilled his assignments, but his assignments had a deeper meaning as tests, which he failed.

The third sub was one that I rejected a while ago for his extremely aggressive nature. This particular sub was quite pushy and was given clear boundaries that he broke immediately for the sake of his own self-interest. I rejected him in the sense that I told him, yet again, that I wanted nothing to do with him. In this instance he approached me as if for the first time, and it is possible that he believed it was, though he has used all sorts of tactics in the past.

I have to reject people pretty often, because it is my job as a Domme to be aware of what is best for me and any potential. Assuming that every online sub who contacts me is 100% sincere, it only makes sense that only a few would be actually compatible with me, and vice versa. Sometimes it is easy to spot a non-compatible sub: maybe they desire to be caged 24/7 or completely transformed into women, or have some other deep desire on which their submission is based that I am not into. But more often it is personality, beliefs, or something that takes time to correctly identify.

As such, I dedicate a lot of time to interviewing and testing potentials. It is extremely rare for anyone to get to the point of being actually owned by me as I am every bit as picky as I should be. And it is designed to be a lengthy and tiresome process, as slavery is not supposed to be “fun” and I am always happy when someone finally shows their true nature and can be rejected in good faith.

I do not reject people in anger, nor am I rude. I have no reason to be either. On the other hand, the vast majority of subs react in two basic ways. The first is to try very hard to convince me that they are indeed worthy. This can last for a short time, as it did for the second sub I discussed above, or be ongoing, as the third sub illustrates. More frequent, and often what occurs after a sub has tried to convince me otherwise, is blatant disrespect.

Some subs love to show their balls, so to speak, after being rejected by saying things meant to hurt. This is expected, especially from certain types, like the first sub I discussed. What they never seem to realize is a simple truth about Dommes: once we decide we don’t want someone, there is nothing they can do to be accepted back or to anger us. I actually allow subs to say whatever they want in order to deal with their anger and get over it at that point, just because it is better that way. Nothing one can say can actually anger me, instead they simply prove that I made the right decision.

This is not to say, however, that it is easy for me to reject potentials. In theory, I want to accept everyone and it would be great if everyone was my perfect match and could give me 110% of their devotion. But I make peace with my decision before I tell them that they are not what I need and vice versa, because I must be sure of my own decisions. I can understand the frustration a submissive feels at rejection and I get no joy out of it.

For the submissives who actually want to make a lasting impression, nothing tugs at a Domme's heart strings than a sub who is good, deeply submissive, and extremely respectful until the end (and beyond). Those are the subs who make you wonder from time to time if you made the right decision. I once ran into a sub I’d rejected a year or so prior at a dry cleaners (this was a real-time sub, obviously) and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, as humble and respectful as ever, and almost acquiesced when he made an offer (which is another topic entirely).

But that is rare. It is also rare for a sub to get deeply upset when they are rejected but there are those types who will have a vendetta against a Domme who rejects them. A friend of mine, a transsexual Domme, was beaten nearly to death by a sub she rejected. We all have our horror stories, in fact, about subs who went a bit nuts when they were rejected. Unfortunately, no matter how nicely that sort is let down, they are likely to react in an outrageous way.

I received a message from another sub I had previously rejected today. This particular sub went so far as to create another screen name and go into a whole thing under that identity in order to eventually hurt me. Of course, this person never said “Hey, I’m _________” but he didn’t have to as I knew pretty early on. While I dealt with the “other” sub, I never bothered to address that facet of the situation because I knew he would never admit it anyway. And when I received the message today from that sub, I did what it is always best to do with those sorts; I deleted the message without reading it.

** There will be a bonus post this upcoming week as I have written about a few topics. That one will be more impersonal and theory-based. The goal here is to find a balance between my personal rants and the actual, useful information and discussion about the lifestyle and beyond.

Who's Zooming Who?*

Something that occurred a while ago has been on my mind since, and I have been trying to ignore it because I simply didn’t feel like typing up a lengthy post about it. However, that experience really helps to explain why what I am planning is so important, in my opinion.

Weeks ago I was interviewing a potential, which is a process that takes hours and so I try to break it up into two or three days usually, and I liked him but I felt like something was missing. I knew he was older and that he was new to the lifestyle and that made me very wary. We had passed the direct Q&A session and had entered the guided discussion phase when suddenly he said something that proved he was not right for me. What did he say? That he could never serve a man or even an “alpha slave” and he was quite serious about it.

Now this person considered himself limitless and all of the “usual limits” (you know the ones) were fine with him, which I always appreciate. I asked him if the “never serving men” thing was a limit and… ‘lo and behold it was! I told him, very truthfully, that I found that totally unacceptable on the principle that I am only interested in limitless subs and we said our goodbyes. Had it ended there I would have been fine, because, while I did really like him, I am totally intolerant of LIFETIME subs with limits. Limits are for part-timers and boys who pay as their consolation prize, in my opinion, of missing the deepest connection possible - that of a life-timer. Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.

You see, this particular sub couldn’t help himself. I am sure he was angry at the abruptness of my decision and at the fact that something that seemed to him to be relatively minor could be such a big deal. So he sent me an email which basically said “The next time I choose a Mistress I will make sure she is a real Female Supremacist and would never let a man have any say at all,” which was one of the stupidest things he could have said. Do you know why?

To suggest that a Female is not a “true” Female Supremacist because she won’t allow a man his limit(s) is missing the complete point. A Woman is allowed anything she wants, as I see it, including having an alpha sub/slave. Here is the kicker: I have never had, nor do I want an alpha slave of any sort. It is simply the principle: I would have made him follow a male sub/slave simply to rid him of the limit, bring him closer to his true self, and allow him to learn a valuable lesson: he doesn’t make any rules.

I did tell him that I would have made him follow another as I said above and explained it as I did above when I told him he was excused. That irritated his manhood, as he felt he was too good, I’m sure, to serve another man: an obvious (and flawed) limit. I don’t think I would have had the same issue with an experienced sub/slave but I have a soft spot for older subs and I tend to give them my attention more than ones in my own age range (and I know, I should stop discriminating).

That scenario really helped me see that there are too many theories of Female Supremacy, Black Supremacy, and Black Female Supremacy. It helped make me sure that I need to be on a soapbox shouting my own views. And here I am.

The situation reiterated the importance of thorough interviews and screenings because I can only imagine what would happen if he is taken and then his Mistress finds out about his limit!

Finally, that experience made me think of limits in general; why subs have them, what they are based on, and why they are important to be offered to a Domme as a show of devotion, in order to rid the submissive of them in Her honor. What are yours?

* Proper grammar be damned; it's a song.