What do you really think about Black people? I mean really, when you think of "Black Woman" or "Black man," what pops up in your head? What about "African-American" Woman or man? Indian? Asian? white? caucasian? How similar is your mental image for "Hawaiian" and "Pacific Islander"?
We all have our own connotations of whatever labels we use. We look at the world through glasses that are colored by our experience and our points of view. We take those things and turn them inward, and we shape ourselves accordingly.
This can be easily validated in the world of D/s. The difference between “sub” and “slave” is telling. The difference between “alpha slave” and “switch” can be insignificant or huge, depending on who’s using the terms. And the same, of course, is true for Dommes.
This past week I’ve pondered that concept a lot. There was a “slave,” for example, whose profile said “if you call yourself a Goddess or a Princess, do not message me.” I thought about what he meant a bit, and though I wasn’t offended and actually agree that “Princess” is a strange title for a Domme, I did find it to be a totally un-slavelike thing to say.
The second scenario was a “sub” who wants to be fully transformed into a slave.. I often tell new potentials to create email addresses, specifically to use in our correspondence. This particular sub chose an address that began with two words in two languages that mean king and ended it with a rather generic “yours” or something. I found it absurd. Of course, his response to questioning was equally absurd. Apparently he believed that he should express that though he was quite privileged he would be mine. And he didn’t use “slave” because he didn’t want to be presumptuous, as he was whatever I deemed, after all. I allowed him another chance and he failed again and that was that.
Now, as it relates to the titles Dommes use, I feel similarly to how I feel about the use of sub and slave. A Domme is the lot of us, but I consider a “Goddess” to be self-actualized much in the same way that I consider a “slave” to be. To me, a Mistress is simply an owner of slaves and a “Queen” is right before Goddess, in the sense of growing towards something. A “Princess” to me reads as a switch or a female alpha slave as her title suggests that someone is ahead of her
But that is my opinion based on my own life and experience, and they have certainly shaped my world. I did not call myself a Goddess or a Queen or even a Domme the first times. But I knew that the transition from Domme, to Queen, to Goddess would be work. For years between teenaged to mid-twenties I stayed at “Queen.” There were certain things that I was afraid of accepting or doing that were inescapable in order to earn the title Goddess.
I smoked cigarettes for years, entirely addicted, and I hated that as it showed I lacked the discipline to quit. And how could I teach anyone else discipline on such a deep level if I had not mastered it myself? I had trepidations at the idea of “coming out of the closet” to everyone I knew, which I didn’t feel I had to do as a Queen. I wasn’t sure even if I could say “forever” and mean it to a slave, and that was obviously important. I thought, maybe I would turn 40 and decide I wanted a husband and kids…then what? And I had never played a submissive role in a relationship. Ever.
As a “Queen” I could have contracts and I could always rip them up before the date I’d set, myself. As a Queen I could have limits. As a Queen I could always change my mind.
At some point I decided to test out a “vanilla” life. I got rid of all my kink and decided to “fall in love” with my best male friend, a submissive guy but not a “submissive,” who’d always been in love with me, moved in and settled down. And I worked HARD at being submissive. Poor darling, I worried him to death. I hadn’t thought about the fact that he was originally drawn to me because I was dominant. He didn’t know how to react to the power I pushed on him.
It was over in six months. It actually ended with a fist fight between the two of us, in which I threw the first and last punches. But those six months taught me so much that to this day, years later, I appreciate every day of that experience. I could relate to subs in a way I had never been able to as I had been there before. I could see, also, how much responsibility it took to be a Domme from the perspective of the one who depended upon the dominance of another. And I appreciated who I am and who subs are more than ever.
It seems like almost everything was easy after that. I wish I could say that quitting smoking was something that took a lot of discipline and patience but in reality it didn’t. One day I just knew I didn’t need them anymore and put the one I was smoking out. It was the same attitude I used when met with a variety of issues that had once been challenges, because I understood that I had no choice in being a Domme or a “regular” woman and there was no going back. When subs speak of the need, I can relate.
I expect more from myself than ever. And yes, I get frustrated with myself when I am angered by something or someone that I should be beyond. I take myself to task if I worry about what someone thinks of me, or compare myself to other women, or consider bending my principles.
Of all the things I learned over those six months, I suppose I am happiest that I made peace with the “nice” and maternal version of myself. For a while I was unsure of how that fit in the otherwise dominant woman. I felt almost ashamed of being sensitive to the fact that, yes, I was attracted to seeing a crawling, pained man coming towards me in absolute bliss because it made me want to stroke and torture him. I thought for a while that “We” were supposed to kick instead of stretch and cut instead of scratch deeply and leisurely. Popping a nipple into the mouth of a sub while hurting him was something I was bothered by, even though I loved it.
Being a Goddess meant no more “Us” and instead simply me. I have no peers in the sense that I live the life I gave something up for and it is mine alone. Whatever other Dommes do, whatever the subs who are not under me like, whatever the “community” uses to define the D and the s have nothing at all to do with who I am and what I like. I earned my title the hard way and I don’t intend to be anything different or anything less…even when it’s hard.
And you are?
(Part 1 is dedicated to a sissy who will one day be a slave [take care] and a bitch who was once a pig and is being born today, on its birthday [welcome])
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