2011 is Almost Over...

Hey guys!

This has been one hell of a year for me, particularly in that I have been near comatose the entire year. I have done a lot in other worlds but near nothing in this particular spectrum. And I have to say that it’s been bittersweet.

For me this year was a mentally active one but a physically inactive one – in ways that frankly surprised me. So much has been going on in the world that I have been captivated by the world, as opposed to my own mini-universe. Gabrielle Giffords, the Arab Spring, the ongoing economic downturn in the West, Gaddaffi and Libya, the shooting in Germany, the Obama/Trump fiasco (was that even this year? It seems like ages ago), Herman Cain, OWS (and all the other, similar movements), and a host of other dramas. It seemed like every month, week, day, hour included something interesting and thought provoking. My time, attention, and thoughts have been elsewhere, and I have the extra weight to prove it (yikes!).

At the same time, my personal life has been transitional. I’m currently considering going back to school and/or moving abroad for a while. I am not well-travelled (outside of the continental US and north and south of here) but I have always had great interest in the larger world and the absolute best thing about the internet, in my opinion, is the ability to cross the imaginary lines that separate cultures and chat with people around the world. The inspiration has always been there but I couldn’t pick a worse time to get out and about, in some ways, with the varied instabilities in places I’d like to experience. So, I’m on the fence.

Anywho, the slaveboy is doing okay, though I tend to feel sorry for him because I haven’t paid him much kinky attention. I must say, he’s basically just been a day-to-day “pleasing Ma’am” boy for the longest, but I think it’s been good for him, in some ways, to focus on getting the things I like right. The other day I did get out the sounds and give him a treat, though.

As far as the professional side goes, I have been damned inactive. I realized that I felt pressure to expand when I didn’t have the strong desire to put in the effort, so, as you know, I stopped. Someone asked me not too long ago if the business was recession-proof, and I really didn’t know. And it shocked me just how removed I am/was. Getting online as Domme was an interesting transition because I was always the sort with a good base of regular clients and not one who had ever tried to expand in the “real world” because I only have so much time and I like to keep it open for other things.

Going online for BDSM was reminiscent of when I first got a computer as a teenager and got addicted to AOL and chatting, lol. There were communities and people, and all these subs and I wanted the vast majority of them! It took a while for the novelty to wear off, but when it did I had to look at how much I could do and what would actually work best for me. Honestly, I’m still unsure. I am a Domme who strongly believes than many subs NEED to be useful and used in order to fully develop and be at their best, and to live fruitful and happy lives. I therefore see my role as a useful one and I always want to help every sad, lonely sub. But, I can’t do it for free for everyone because there are just too many and many of them are spread out. As a professional Domme in “real life” I can only see/interact with a select few and it’s so much easier than trying to figure out how and when to handle the needs of subs who can’t get to me easily, not to mention everyone wants freebies.

So, I’m in a research phase right now to see what I want to do, what I can do, if and how the recession has shaped the business, and what the marketplace is looking like these days. If I can’t make something work I won’t bother, but that tingle I get from my work is still there and I do sort of miss it. I might pass around some surveys or something after I get some more research done, and I will want you guys to provide some feedback! Be good.

Happy New Year (kinda).

Okay, so I've been busy. Too busy, really, but life is like that. I realized how long it's been since I've bothered to sign in when I actually---and totally---forgot my password here. But it's been reset and I'm here. So, you're welcome (wink).

I don't have much to discuss today. So much of life is adjustment, and it's not really my strong suit. I can gripe on and on about how much my day-to-day life is not what I want it to be, but it's all really my responsibility and my fault when things are in disarray. This is an obvious part of adulthood but it's really major with a Domme.

A couple of days ago I asked my slave what he could change about our relationship. It wasn't a loaded question, but I was very curious. I had to laugh at his answer because he wanted to serve more. And I looked at the past few months and really thought about how little I have made him do in terms of personal service. Of course he does the basic things that are necessities, but I haven't had him serve in all of the lovely and personal ways in which I trained him to serve and brought us both satisfaction. And that is a fault of mine.

In truth, the move and the family gatherings the winter season is known for took tolls on me. All of the things necessary to relocate someone are time-consuming, soul-draining exercises. And now, when things have calmed down a bit, looking in the mirror is hard. I've gained weight! My skin looks dry! My nails aren't done! And I remember that I forgot to look after me.

Isn't that kind of ironic? It made me think that being a caregiver is hard, no matter what your title is. And, yes, a Domme does give care, though not perhaps in the most blatant ways. Training a slave is the easy part, but creating a new environment, options, and a life for a slave is hard, hard work.

But now I am attempting to get back to me. And by "me" I really mean back to my own goals and life outside of ensuring that he has the tools necessary to do what he needs to. It's time to trust my own work in getting him prepared and him to be able to do what he needs to when he's not in my presence and work on what makes me happy now, especially as it relates to my overall health. That, in essence, is my "resolution" for the year. What is yours?

Oh, I made a Twitter account for the times when I have something to say and I don't feel like typing as much as I did today. I'm Goddess Emme there if you'd like to "follow" me, and I will one day think about the website again. I may clear the lines on Niteflirt but my pro work is suspended until I look in the mirror and wink at myself, lol.

Be good.

Slowly, Surely

I return. It has been a hectic two months, and I must admit I didn't much think about anything but what was before me. I am (with the slave, of course) about 90% settled in the new abode and feeling ready to commit once again to the web-based portion of my life. I did actually write a few posts, but due to the death of my other laptop--and unfortunately, that hard drive is really dead--and over a month of indecision about internet service, I could never post anything, and now they seem dated.

I'm in a strange sort of place mentally. This summer has been a never-ending rush to get things done and as a result I'm looking up and realizing so much time has passed and so many things aren't quite as they were. I made the mistake of stepping on a scale yesterday, and...sheesh, never mind.

So, I am attempting to pull things together slowly yet surely. My big butt will again get nice and tight the way I like it, my time will be better-managed, and my attention will be were it wants and needs to be. It sounds like a plan.

As a sidenote, the slave is doing as well as can be expected. Lots of changes in his little life, but he bears up well under most pressures.

How are all of the little slaves and slaves-in-waiting? Anyone found a new home, a new Owner, or had any revelations of anything of import?

Early in the morning (In the middle of the night)...

It’s almost 3:30am and I am lying in bed, worrying. At my feet my little slave pup is sleeping soundly, curled around my feet, and snoring every now and again. For him, the night ended after oral service and expression of devotion, and he is dreaming little slave-dreams and preparing for his tomorrow, in the literal and figurative sense.

For me, it is much more difficult than all that. In less than two weeks, he leaves his home and starts a new job in another state. This represents a major step in his enslavement, and though he will miss the life he lived here, he is excited at what is ahead. I worry that the transition may not be as smooth as it has to be. I worry that this temporary position he starts in two weeks may not segue into another position soon enough and there will be a gap in his income. This worries me because my money is drying up and this major step he will soon be taking is one in which I no longer stand behind him with an open wallet, “just in case.” He becomes a full slave, and the only source of my income, if only temporarily, in a few week’s time.


Two weeks. Before I know it the day will come to say goodbye to this place and move on. Today my little slave confided that he is a bit scared and he will miss this house, the one he’s lived in for six years. Yet, he knows he has someone to slave for; a higher purpose. In fact, he got the very first job he interviewed for and the job he wanted, the job he begged to be allowed to apply to back when I first made the decision that he was coming to me. During his devotional, he expressed, as he has before, that he is happier than he has ever been. I am happy for him, but afraid.

This month I said I would write about duality. For a Domme, nights like these can weigh heavy. You groom a slave to follow as blindly as you desire it to but you understand that you offer to never lead them astray, though you may never say it. Ultimately, I am the “brains” behind this operation, though the snoring slave at my feet, who is about to get kicked in the nuts, does the work. That is the opposite side of the coin for a Domme and it is yang for the yin of dedicated service. The fulfillment for a slave is letting go of its own desires and working towards its owner’s, while giving up the privilege of selfishness. Yet, they give up the burden of complete responsibility too, and that burden is transferred to its owner.

Obviously, I don’t take it lightly and I mostly confident in our future. After his two months of temporary employment I know he will work hard to find something and work as many jobs as I require him to. When the sun rises, so will my general sense of knowing what’s best and I will make the decisions that need to be made and my slave will say “yes ma’am” and act upon them. Tomorrow I will be a Mistress. It’s late, I’m tired, and my period isn’t helping anything. I will think clearly tomorrow. But, tonight I worry.

I appreciate the slave at my feet and the life I have planned for him. I just wish he had more money.

Duality in June

For me May was almost everything I wanted it to be. I got nothing really done about the site or anything of the sort, but I ate too much, came too much, slept too much, traveled too much, and enjoyed myself a lot. On the negative side, I was lax with the slave because I was so focused on me, and it showed through some of him behaviors and the punishments he received (and, to be frank, some of the punishments he didn’t receive but should have). It was a lazy month, and I am glad I had it, because it looks like June will be busy.

Looking back at my music posts I see three posts that I scheduled never went through. I am backdating two of them and saving the third for later, as I want to review the song a bit more than I initially did, as it is actually two renditions of the same song. That will be the theme for this month, the month of duality, in honor of my Mother who is a Gemini.

So, this month I will be writing about things with dual themes. Aside from that music post I also plan to post a review for some D/s stuff from my perspective and my slave’s perspective, as I think that would be useful for my little slave-readers, and a couple more. I also intend to focus on quality more than quantity, as I sometimes rush myself to post something that I’m not entirely happy with. This month I only expect to write three original posts for the blog for my four posts of the month, which will allow me some time to hopefully edit some drafts to my satisfaction, which may be added as bonuses.

On the topic of drafts, I am currently typing on my backup travel computer, my mini-notebook, as my usual laptop suffered a virus last month and is stuck on the BSoD. I don’t have access to old files right now, as my backups are at my “other” house on my desktop, in another state. Everything I was working on came screeching to a halt as a result, but I didn’t feel like going through the headache of fixing it, as I was enjoying my laziness. I plan on fixing the laptop this week, however. I may also be settled (finally) in another state, as my slave may have gotten a job he recently interviewed for, which will certainly be a great thing, while also making June a month with a lot going on in my life, so, fair warning.

In May, on Memorial Day, as I always I thought of all the “soldiers” we’ve lost who fought many of the battles that needed to be fought. I am and believe in many things, and therefore I had a lot to think about and a lot of lives to appreciate. As always, Malcolm X is one person whose life I think of constantly in May, and particularly on Memorial Day, as his birthday was May 19. I have been thinking I may add a post about him this month, as the man who assassinated him was recently released after serving a 44 year sentence. It’s an interesting topic, and I may or may not be ready to write about it emotionally.

Memorial Day is a great “holiday,” in my opinion, as it has its wider meaning of “in memoriam” and how it is celebrated, particularly the grilling, reminds me of sending burnt offers to ancient Gods and Goddesses. I consider my personal ones during that time, and my slave sent up burnt offerings of his own to me by way of the grill and some overcooked chicken he was so excited to prepare, without recognizing his own limitations with the grill…But, I appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

Music & Female Supremacy: Suffocated Love

This is a good one. One of my favorite female artists is Bjork, and one of my favorite male artists is Tricky. Tricky is generally known as a “trip-hop” artist. This song is one of my favorites from his first solo album Maxinquaye. This is a highly-sexualized song, and I tend to think of it as the pro-Domme anthem, as the dynamic is too sexualized and too selfish for it to be an outright slavish song. There are elements of truest submission in the lyrics, just like in the dynamic of the paid submissive’s reality, and I simply love the song because it is mood music, like so much of Tricky’s work. If you do drugs, I highly recommend this entire album, a dark room, and contemplation. Even if you don’t, get the album anyway, if you like this sort of music. The woman who accompanies him on the song is his former girlfriend, mother of his child, and once-frequent collaborator, Martina Topley-Bird. The youtube version is here.

It's too good, it's too nice
She makes me finish too quick
Is it love? No not love
She turns my sexual trick

She says she's mine, I know she lies
First, I scream, then I cry
Take a second of me
You beckon, I'll bleed
She suffocates me

She suffocates me with suggestion
I asked do you feel the same?
And later on, maybe
I'll tell you my real name
She's so good, she's so bad

You understand, I can't expand
Now I could just kill a man
She's on her knees, I say please
I cross her city lines, she's got brown eyes

I think ahead of you, I think instead of you
Will you spend your life with me
And stifle me?
I know why the caged bird sings, I know why

Forgive and you're forgiven
Kingdom come
Can you wait for yours, I need to taste some
Life's pretty funny, I laugh while she spends my money
She's my freak, I guess I'm weak

You ask what is this?
Mind your business
I pass my idle days with my idle ways
'Til the twelfth of always
She walks my hallways

I keep her warm, but we never kiss
She cuts my slender wrists
Let's waste some more time
I sign the dotted line
A different level, she devil

I think ahead of you, I think instead of you
Will you spend your life with me
And stifle me?
I know why the caged bird sings, I know why

You ask what is this?
Mind your business
I pass my idle days with my idle ways
'Til the twelfth of always
She walks my hallways
I keep her warm but we never kiss

She says I'm weak and immature
But it's cool
I know what money's for
Push comes to shove, her tongue's her favourite weapon on attack
I slap her back, she mostly hates me

I think ahead of you, I think instead of you
Will you spend your life with me
And stifle me?
I know why the caged bird sings, I know why

Can I take off your clothes
Before we go out?
And when you're helpless, I'll scream and shout
We finish everyday, well, anyway

Sixty nine degrees
My head's between your knees
You ask what is this?
Mind your business

It's too good, it's too nice
She makes me finish too quick
Is it love? No not love
She turns my sexual trick

She says she's mine, I know she lies
First, I scream, then I cry
Take a second of me
You beckon, I'll bleed
Take a second of me

I think ahead of you, I think instead of you
Will you spend your life with me
And stifle me?
I know why the caged bird sings, I know why
I know why the caged bird sings, I know why

Lyrics from: http://www.metrolyrics.com/suffocated-love-lyrics-tricky.html

Music & Female Supremacy: She Belongs to me

This song is close to my heart. My mother has always said that this song reminds her of me, and she has said that all of my life. She says it with a wink and a smile, but she does believe that it is an accurate description of how some think of me. I have a love for Dylan that all lover’s of Dylan have; one that is based on his songwriting skill, but also his apparent ability to understand so many points of view and accurately describe so many things in a way that only a true philosopher and critic of the human race can. The title does (and has always) make me uncomfortable, as it so blatantly describes ownership, but the title is so perfect for this reason, in my opinion.

All I found on youtube was covers of this particular song, so research it on your own time, if you haven't heard it.

She's got everything she needs
She's an artist, she don't look back
She's got everything she needs
She's an artist, she don't look back
She can take the dark out of nighttime
And paint the daytime black.

You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees
You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees
But you will wind up peeking through her keyhole
Down upon your knees.

She never stumbles
She's got no place to fall
She never stumbles
She's got no place to fall
She's nobody's child
The Law can't touch her at all.

She wears an Egyptian ring
That sparkles before she speaks
She wears an Egyptian ring
That sparkles before she speaks
She's a hypnotist collector
You are a walking antique.

Bow down to her on Sunday
Salute her when her birthday comes
Bow down to her on Sunday
Salute her when her birthday comes
For Halloween buy her a trumpet
And for Christmas, give her a drum.

Lyrics from: http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Bob-Dylan/She-Belongs-To-Me.html