Let’s talk about sex.

What does sex mean to you? Is it based on sex organs or the anus, fingers, tongues, or something else entirely? Is it tied to a fetish so tight that you can’t separate the two? What do you masturbate to, if you masturbate at all? And if you don’t, why don’t you?

One of the great things about the “lifestyle” is seeing how people define sex and what turns them on. Some people get turned on by those very kinky “fringe” things that lead them to live in the closet, for fear their kinks will make people think less of them. Some people find the D/s lifestyle to be their kink, and that is enough for them. And others are probably something close to asexual.

I could go on and on, but hopefully the point was made that “sex” is relative. Personally, I think sex is whatever gets you off, for the most part. Like most Dommes, I have a host of sex toys and my strap-on is my favorite (outside of my strongest vibrator). But, I also like “plain” sex. Are you gasping yet? This has become almost taboo somehow, which I find hilarious. Somehow, it seems that a Domme who actually likes to use her vagina is becoming a rarity.

I thought the person was playing the first time I heard the gasp at that. But I’ve kind of gotten used to it. I might as well add to it that I only have sex with men who are submissive to me. I can’t imagine having sex with a dom man as there is no attraction. Now, this has gotten some outrage, especially among Dommes who believe all slaves should be sexless. I agree with the sentiment only if it is what a Domme wants from/for her slave.

I don’t allow for much sex from slaves either, and generally put a strap-on on a slave if I am to use them as sex toys, but there is something to be said – to me – for a real penis in my vagina (or ass, I suppose). I generally accomplish this by having a submissive man who is not my owned property act as my “live” dildo and it works just fine, but there are the times when I am worked up and the person closest is a slave and I want the “complete package.”

That can lead to trouble.

All of the hard work that goes into keeping a slave nicely chaste with large, swollen balls can come to bite you once you want them to gain an erection. A lot of anal use and/or prostate milking can also seem to hinder erections while helping ejaculations, also. And while a formerly over-sexed male slave turning into a chaste little tongue machine (as often happens) is a beautiful thing in general, it’s not so great when you want a rock-hard penis ready to go.

And as a Domme, nothing is more upsetting and insulting than a semi-erect or flaccid penis. It is almost a personal affront, even if you know it is a product of your own handiwork.

I don’t have any experience with drug regimens, Viagra and such, but I have always enjoyed the “penis mold” kits that allow you to make a dildo from a mold of someone’s penis. Even that can be less than ideal, especially when you want the ejaculation and the 100% real feeling. It is much less about size and shape at such times and much more about the overall experience of “normal” sex.I enjoy that kind of sex for the whole experience and nothing can really take its place.

So what works? A good cockring and/or a urethral plug can sometimes get the job done. Maybe even a bit of compromising and adding a little kink (or whatever sort the sub/slave finds appealing) can pay off. But these things are pretty iffy. The old, Pavlovian kind of conditioning will likely work, assuming there is nothing physically wrong with the sexual organs, but that takes time to instill.

It is a good idea, in my opinion, for potential slaves to start tying their erections to the idea of their owners in their own time and before being owned in order to better be able to serve once owned. It may never be useful and can certainly be un-learned in training, but it’s the sort of thing that can make a potential owner pleased and could go a long way to eventual ownership. I always tell new subs that their asses should remain virginal, if possible, so as to better please their eventual owner, as popping a cherry is always fun. But saying “tie your erections to your eventual – and probably unmet – owner,” can make you sound nutty.

It all starts, however, with knowing what gets you off, so that you can change it. A slave who knows exactly what he likes can look for an owner who shares the same kinks, as well. Knowing that one is turned on by giving to others, or being used, can mean that the particular slave needs no extra erection training, as getting the opportunity to serve in such a way should help a lot. Knowing that one never wants to use his sex organs can help finding a Domme easier.

This time give it real thought and try again. What do you like?

Strict chastity: extinct?

I have been sick for about a week now. I am so rarely ill that it is hard for me to function when I am…I do turn into quite the spoiled brat. I’m not 100% but I am certainly better.

Last week I discussed some goodies that I bought and some things I intended to make. While I did not feel well enough to knit (though it would have been a good time to get some knitting done), I did buy more stuff. Go figure. I am happy with my decision to purchase the things I bought as they were the sorts of things I couldn’t think of replacements for and appeared to be pretty good deals to boot. The items haven’t been delivered yet so it’s too soon to tell whether or not I will like them.

This week’s post is actually from a month or so ago. After I typed it, something changed or I found something out so I decided to put it on the back-burner until I could properly investigate whatever new information I came across. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t remember what that information was. I’ve read the post twice and I simply cannot remember if I ever added anything to it or not. So, I may edit this post at a later date if I happen to recall whatever it is that I learned.

Oh, one more thing before I get into the new/old post. I have received a few emailed questions in the past week about this or that related to the overall subjects of D/s, BFS, and consensual slavery. I have not responded and I don’t intend to send responses via email. Instead, I have added the new topics to my list of questions and I have been making my way through them, bit by bit. If you have asked me a question and awaited a response that is why you haven’t gotten one and if you want to email me to ask a question please use ask@goddessemme.com in the future as my personal inbox has been pretty full as of late and I’ve been trying to separate things.

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Part of what happens when anything goes mainstream that was once counter-culture is that it is changed to appeal to the masses. Unfortunately for the original supporters of the new trend, the heart and soul of it is often lost in translation. It seems as though male chastity devices are the new “it thing” and I am sorry to say that the purists out there may be getting a huge “F U” in the process.

Now there may be an old-school sub wearing a leather contraption right now who has to beg to be released long enough to use the bathroom who knows that a piece of plastic with a lock attached is anything but original or pure and I get it. But, while I applaud your Mistress, I have no desire to micromanage that much on a daily basis. And that is what made the cb series so divine.

With the cb series form and function were well put together so that a Domme could ensure her subs were well tucked away and they could live semi-normally while being in constant knowledge that their penises were no longer accessible. And when some subs got tricky and learned to pull out, the points of intrigue were added, giving another layer of security while ensuring repeat and satisfied customers. The addition of plastic locks, for air travel and such, was a nice touch as well.

And while the devices didn’t outright hurt (necessarily), they were uncomfortable enough to make sure a sub knew its place. A sub could wash and urinate somewhat easily but it took some adjusting and getting used to. And of course, they couldn’t get out easily and they didn’t want to: mission accomplished.

Until someone told the housewives. Not that I have anything against the women themselves, but sheesh! The first time I heard about chastity in the “vanilla” world it was some program/article about a woman who found out her husband was cheating and instead of leaving him, as they had children, she decided to go to “extreme measures” to ensure he was being faithful. I chuckled in a “Girl Power” sort of way and forgot about it.

Looking back, I wonder if that’s what did it. Recently, my newest slave-in-training was purchasing things for his basic chastity and he sent me a link to a device he “liked” that I had never seen before. It was a silicone product with great claims about how “comfortable,” can “be cut with simple scissors,” and “no pain during nocturnal erections,” which made me laugh aloud when I first read it.

I laughed too when I assured him that he would not be in such a device and sent him to another site to buy a cb3000. I was a bit disappointed when I realized they only had black, which is pointless in my opinion, but I wasn’t too worried as that site was having a sale. But every site we went to had either black or nothing. Finally we decided on a cb2000, in pink, which I am actually quite fond of. When I checked a few sites a week or so later, however, even they were sold out. And it doesn't seem like they will be coming back.

It is possible that something else exists that is not mainstream enough for me personally to be aware of that suits all of my needs. It is also possible that there are other options that I will be happy with, or even that I get used to the silicone device and/or find that it's not as "comfortable" as it claims or at least can be made less so with a bit of effort, but I find it disheartening that the cb series is likely discontinued.

So, a toast to all the little beads of blood on the penises of good slaves in the past and present due to a stubborn erection and the PoIs of the cb series. Another toast to all of the slaves and subs who are pissed about the disappearance of the cb series and those who are trying to find less-comfy chastity devices now. Oh, and if you have any information about the cb series or good replacements (according to my criteria above), or if you've tried the silicone models, add your thoughts to the comment section (and links if you can) and I will investigate them.

Gird your loins.

Leashes and collars and stretchers, oh my!

Lately I’ve been buying a lot of D/s gear. Of course, fetish stuff is never cheap, and that generally feels right somehow. It’s such a niche that it makes sense that some of the BDSM-specific toys would be pricey. Even if you look at an actual sex toy store versus a fetish store, the fetish store is always pretty expensive. I do what I can to cut down prices on some of the not-so-specific items, especially dildos and whatnot, and generally just accept that the must-haves are almost luxury items.

That said, I have found that if I spend too much time buying fetish stuff from fetish stores I generally lose sight of my “bargain hunter” side and end up wanting the whole set of something unnecessary or wanting an item that I could get almost anywhere but the fetish shop’s version looks better than whatever I would find elsewhere. A great example of this is a simple enema bag. An enema bag can be bought anywhere, pretty much dirt cheap, with all of the great nozzles and uses. Fetish websites have enema bags that cost way over $50, and have the same nozzles or fewer, but they are black and shiny and much easier on the eyes and the sensibilities than one that reminds you of a nursing home.

Sure, a pro Domme can buy the best everything, because they are paid well to create the fantasy and they’re all write-offs anyway. For the lifestyle Domme, in a recession no less, sometimes you have to think a bit smarter, or at least consider your bottom line. It becomes important to ask yourself what is most important and then decide what you can scrimp on.

Personally, I think crops, whips, and paddles should all be the top priority, in terms of expense, as the quality of these items matters. I am a crop fanatic and canes are my runner-up, so I use them often. I prefer buying crops (and whips and floggers, I suppose) from horse stores. They aren’t necessarily more expensive than what you would find in a fetish shop anyway, but they are almost always better-made. I tend to find bamboo canes everywhere. At the farmer’s market, for example, there are stalls for people selling bits of this and that, and I find bamboo walking canes and sticks often. I’m also a fan of a sub getting a switch off of a tree, when necessary, however, so I don’t buy canes as much, though I have broken many. Wooden back-scratchers are good when you don't have a cane handy.

Collars, leashes, and stretchers, however, are the kinds of things that are used
every day but are not really hard-use items. While you may spank someone with a leash if it’s handy, you aren’t doing much else except pulling it or tying it to something. And yet, these three items are some of the most expensive when it comes to their actual value, cost to make, and markup. Why? Because they’re cheaply made, sold widely, but a few embellishments can make a lot of visual difference even if the product is the same.

I must ask, are ball stretchers even necessary as a product? I can think of a million things that can stretch balls for under a dollar or two (if that). But when I see a pretty ball stretcher and the cute weights I always want one. And then I want another one, and so on. Collars are similar. I can buy a million collars and always want another one, because there are so many options, and, I tell myself, so many reasons why I should have every one. In reality, a sub probably needs two and maybe three to four for the sake of having a few options. The outside collar is of course essential, as it needs to be something that can be discreet if it is required, and one for home. A Domme may choose to have one for parties or something “formal” and maybe one more that is good for some other purpose. Some may not need to lock but some should.

Leashes become a matter of being part of a combo/leash set, complementing the collars, or at least being easy on the eyes. So we want the leather or leather-look, or some nice thick chain, or whatever floats our boats. But it gets expensive! Even if you buy the collar/leash combo from pet stores they can still get expensive…as can dog bowls and whatever other things that can be purchased from pet stores, which are of course specialty stores. And sure you can go to Wal-mart or the equivalent, but you normally find the most plain, general purpose bowls and leashes there.

Last week I thought to myself, “the Dollar Store!” and headed to my local Dollar Tree store. And I loved it. I bought a large porcelain dog bowl with a really cute pattern, several leashes, a bunch of locks, and all sorts of “general purpose” stuff that I know I can use in creative ways. Oh, and I bought several collars. Though they were all nylon (like the leashes), some had studs and some had rhinestones, others had interesting patterns, and even others had simple words stamped on them that were much better suited for D/s than real animals (my favorite being a plain black collar with “DOG” plainly printed in white).

The collars came in thin widths and wide widths, and were also different lengths. The shorter lengths with wide widths could be nice for ball stretchers, with the added benefit of having the loop for leash attachment. Many of the collars had leashes that matched them perfectly but were not a set. At $2, who cared? Of course, the quality of the collars weren’t great. I can see that some of the thin ones had short life spans if used for their intended purposes, but some of them looked like chokers, which made them good contenders for outside-use collars.

Now, most of these collars came with the closures that are similar to backpack strap closures, the ones where you squeeze the sides to remove one side from the other (that description sucks, yes, but I’ve been typing for a while now – deal with it). I looked at them hard, however, and I think I can remove those plastic parts and add the right hardware to make them lockable…and did I mention I bought a bunch of locks from there too? There were Velcro ones, too, and those made me think “ball stretchers” even more.

On the topic of ball stretchers and still in the spirit of do-it-yourself (or have a sub do it), I’ve been thinking about ball stretchers that please the eyes and are still dirt cheap. I’ve considered knitting some and/or weaving a few. A good, durable yarn and tight knit and/or weave could also hold a few metal loops for locks and/or leashes. I will probably break out the yarn and needles this week and see if I can make something I like. I may also take pictures of the bounty I bought at the dollar store, and whatever I come up with for stretchers. I spent around $20 in the dollar store, by the way, and spent $40 on one collar, one collar/leash combo, and some anal beads a couple of weeks ago.

Will I stop going on sprees, especially for my favorite items? No. But I will be more creative with those things that are not as personally important but I use often. Who doesn't love a deal?

Perspective

So, all last month I was trying to figure out how to start discussing the topic of Black Female Supremacy. It was the perfect time to begin discussing it, as it was Black History Month. The problem was, I couldn’t figure out how to introduce the topic, as every time I started typing I would realize that I had to explain more and more because my own belief system is based on the sum of my life’s knowledge and experience. And all of that gives me a perspective that is unique to me.

It is part of the reason why I hate when people, particularly in the D/s “community,” assume I am a Christian. It is always absurd to be told “Merry Christmas” by people who know I am a believer in Black Female Supremacy. And I have had subs try to convert me to Christianity, even while they want to marry someone and be a cuckold for life or something else that goes against Christian beliefs. But even that is perspective based: I define religion as a set of beliefs that lead to a way of life and others define it as the belief in a deity or deities. I have never been baptized or Christened and I don’t intend to ever be.

Not only is my perception of religion different, but so is my idea of a Goddess, as it relates to BFS and not D/s. It is almost the difference between the Queen of England and a Queen in ancient Egypt (who were also Goddesses, by the way). For me, Goddess means the Female personification of some larger theme and/or truth, in a universal sense. I believe, as such, that Black Females are Goddesses because they stand for something bigger than themselves. I think this is a great responsibility, however, and it is not one that I think every Black Female can handle. Obviously, most Black Females are unaware of their status, as I define it, so they don’t always act like Goddesses should.

Why do I think Black Women are Goddesses? The answer to that is a long one, but I can shorten it to say that I believe that Black Women are the closest thing to the most ancient source of us as a collective. If concepts such as “human nature” or “human instinct” or any clues to what is natural and “right” for us as the human race exist and are to be believed, I believe that they are innate to Black Females.
The most respected (in most circles) theories on humans say that we started out in Africa and left in waves for different reasons. While there are many, many theories as to why they left, we do know, based on genetics, that we dispersed and those who left first went close by and the next group went farther, etc. and the farther people got the more they changed, in terms of some basic facial features and cultural norms. And a lot was lost along the way.

So much evidence says that ancient Africa was (and some parts of Africa still are) matriarchal and Goddess-based. Anthropologists and archaeologists that represent diverse racial and gender groups have also debunked the old ideas of “cavemen” being the hunter-gatherer, pull a Female by her hair sort as well. Perspective can make the placement of tools to the bones of our distant and ancient relatives mean totally different things. Even the bones and bodies themselves. Both men and women have the capabilities to make breast milk, for example, (and boy babies often leak some from their nipples as newborns as the result of the extra estrogen) and the fact that male hominoids may have breastfed puts “masculinity” in a totally different light.

You see, I think men are beautiful. But I also think they are meant to be submissive, useful, and giving of their time and attention to the Women they serve and the children they care for. I think this is man’s natural state and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. But I think that somewhere along the way men got some sense of hyper-masculinity and totally lost their minds. The conquer mentality, the overly-sexed way of living, the aggressive and violent behaviors, all of that seems to be the proof of something that is out of whack in men. And I think the solution is in Black Women.

At their best, I think Black Females know how to lead without being mean or aggressive. I think we have a sexuality that touches deep (which is why some people seem to think of us and our sexual selves as “animalistic,” though this is not a compliment) and our bodies are attractive in a very ancient sense. I think we possess a strength and sensibility that makes men follow. And while I think these things are innate to all Women, I think it is easiest to spot in Black Women and the darker the Woman, among races, the more these things are seen…Imagine an Indian Woman, a Latino Woman, and a Native American Woman and picture the strengths of each…beautiful.

I think in America and other Western countries, the concepts of Womanhood have been
so awfully distorted that Western white women have a very long way to go. The “women’s lib” movement here started out well but got so fucked up it turned into a bunch of socialites fucking on night-vision cameras who believe that they are somehow “free” and feminine. They are wrong. If Women here had been less involved with burning bras and trying to keep pace with men by being open sexually, they may have learned that the choice itself is the thing, not choosing the most outrageous option, just to prove the choice exists. That’s just stupid.

Because of slavery and the Jim Crow laws that followed it in this country, Black Women here were separate from the “mainstream” from day one. It meant that we kept some of our own beliefs and traditions because we could, however. Even with the new language and religion, something about our former lives stuck with us, perhaps even more than some of our Sisters in Africa who endured colonization that systematically brainwashed them and their men, as that was the purpose. So it’s relatively fresh in our minds, though we are losing it more and more as the generations pass.

But, all of this is my perception based on my perspective. Fortunately, I am not the only one who believes this or parts of this. I am going to start introducing theories and books by relevant people when I broach this topic. I still have a hard time imagining how I am going to explain some things, and if your perspective is very far from my own, you may want to skip those posts.