It’s almost 3:30am and I am lying in bed, worrying. At my feet my little slave pup is sleeping soundly, curled around my feet, and snoring every now and again. For him, the night ended after oral service and expression of devotion, and he is dreaming little slave-dreams and preparing for his tomorrow, in the literal and figurative sense.
For me, it is much more difficult than all that. In less than two weeks, he leaves his home and starts a new job in another state. This represents a major step in his enslavement, and though he will miss the life he lived here, he is excited at what is ahead. I worry that the transition may not be as smooth as it has to be. I worry that this temporary position he starts in two weeks may not segue into another position soon enough and there will be a gap in his income. This worries me because my money is drying up and this major step he will soon be taking is one in which I no longer stand behind him with an open wallet, “just in case.” He becomes a full slave, and the only source of my income, if only temporarily, in a few week’s time.
Two weeks. Before I know it the day will come to say goodbye to this place and move on. Today my little slave confided that he is a bit scared and he will miss this house, the one he’s lived in for six years. Yet, he knows he has someone to slave for; a higher purpose. In fact, he got the very first job he interviewed for and the job he wanted, the job he begged to be allowed to apply to back when I first made the decision that he was coming to me. During his devotional, he expressed, as he has before, that he is happier than he has ever been. I am happy for him, but afraid.
This month I said I would write about duality. For a Domme, nights like these can weigh heavy. You groom a slave to follow as blindly as you desire it to but you understand that you offer to never lead them astray, though you may never say it. Ultimately, I am the “brains” behind this operation, though the snoring slave at my feet, who is about to get kicked in the nuts, does the work. That is the opposite side of the coin for a Domme and it is yang for the yin of dedicated service. The fulfillment for a slave is letting go of its own desires and working towards its owner’s, while giving up the privilege of selfishness. Yet, they give up the burden of complete responsibility too, and that burden is transferred to its owner.
Obviously, I don’t take it lightly and I mostly confident in our future. After his two months of temporary employment I know he will work hard to find something and work as many jobs as I require him to. When the sun rises, so will my general sense of knowing what’s best and I will make the decisions that need to be made and my slave will say “yes ma’am” and act upon them. Tomorrow I will be a Mistress. It’s late, I’m tired, and my period isn’t helping anything. I will think clearly tomorrow. But, tonight I worry.
I appreciate the slave at my feet and the life I have planned for him. I just wish he had more money.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Duality in June
For me May was almost everything I wanted it to be. I got nothing really done about the site or anything of the sort, but I ate too much, came too much, slept too much, traveled too much, and enjoyed myself a lot. On the negative side, I was lax with the slave because I was so focused on me, and it showed through some of him behaviors and the punishments he received (and, to be frank, some of the punishments he didn’t receive but should have). It was a lazy month, and I am glad I had it, because it looks like June will be busy.
Looking back at my music posts I see three posts that I scheduled never went through. I am backdating two of them and saving the third for later, as I want to review the song a bit more than I initially did, as it is actually two renditions of the same song. That will be the theme for this month, the month of duality, in honor of my Mother who is a Gemini.
So, this month I will be writing about things with dual themes. Aside from that music post I also plan to post a review for some D/s stuff from my perspective and my slave’s perspective, as I think that would be useful for my little slave-readers, and a couple more. I also intend to focus on quality more than quantity, as I sometimes rush myself to post something that I’m not entirely happy with. This month I only expect to write three original posts for the blog for my four posts of the month, which will allow me some time to hopefully edit some drafts to my satisfaction, which may be added as bonuses.
On the topic of drafts, I am currently typing on my backup travel computer, my mini-notebook, as my usual laptop suffered a virus last month and is stuck on the BSoD. I don’t have access to old files right now, as my backups are at my “other” house on my desktop, in another state. Everything I was working on came screeching to a halt as a result, but I didn’t feel like going through the headache of fixing it, as I was enjoying my laziness. I plan on fixing the laptop this week, however. I may also be settled (finally) in another state, as my slave may have gotten a job he recently interviewed for, which will certainly be a great thing, while also making June a month with a lot going on in my life, so, fair warning.
In May, on Memorial Day, as I always I thought of all the “soldiers” we’ve lost who fought many of the battles that needed to be fought. I am and believe in many things, and therefore I had a lot to think about and a lot of lives to appreciate. As always, Malcolm X is one person whose life I think of constantly in May, and particularly on Memorial Day, as his birthday was May 19. I have been thinking I may add a post about him this month, as the man who assassinated him was recently released after serving a 44 year sentence. It’s an interesting topic, and I may or may not be ready to write about it emotionally.
Memorial Day is a great “holiday,” in my opinion, as it has its wider meaning of “in memoriam” and how it is celebrated, particularly the grilling, reminds me of sending burnt offers to ancient Gods and Goddesses. I consider my personal ones during that time, and my slave sent up burnt offerings of his own to me by way of the grill and some overcooked chicken he was so excited to prepare, without recognizing his own limitations with the grill…But, I appreciated the gesture nonetheless.
Looking back at my music posts I see three posts that I scheduled never went through. I am backdating two of them and saving the third for later, as I want to review the song a bit more than I initially did, as it is actually two renditions of the same song. That will be the theme for this month, the month of duality, in honor of my Mother who is a Gemini.
So, this month I will be writing about things with dual themes. Aside from that music post I also plan to post a review for some D/s stuff from my perspective and my slave’s perspective, as I think that would be useful for my little slave-readers, and a couple more. I also intend to focus on quality more than quantity, as I sometimes rush myself to post something that I’m not entirely happy with. This month I only expect to write three original posts for the blog for my four posts of the month, which will allow me some time to hopefully edit some drafts to my satisfaction, which may be added as bonuses.
On the topic of drafts, I am currently typing on my backup travel computer, my mini-notebook, as my usual laptop suffered a virus last month and is stuck on the BSoD. I don’t have access to old files right now, as my backups are at my “other” house on my desktop, in another state. Everything I was working on came screeching to a halt as a result, but I didn’t feel like going through the headache of fixing it, as I was enjoying my laziness. I plan on fixing the laptop this week, however. I may also be settled (finally) in another state, as my slave may have gotten a job he recently interviewed for, which will certainly be a great thing, while also making June a month with a lot going on in my life, so, fair warning.
In May, on Memorial Day, as I always I thought of all the “soldiers” we’ve lost who fought many of the battles that needed to be fought. I am and believe in many things, and therefore I had a lot to think about and a lot of lives to appreciate. As always, Malcolm X is one person whose life I think of constantly in May, and particularly on Memorial Day, as his birthday was May 19. I have been thinking I may add a post about him this month, as the man who assassinated him was recently released after serving a 44 year sentence. It’s an interesting topic, and I may or may not be ready to write about it emotionally.
Memorial Day is a great “holiday,” in my opinion, as it has its wider meaning of “in memoriam” and how it is celebrated, particularly the grilling, reminds me of sending burnt offers to ancient Gods and Goddesses. I consider my personal ones during that time, and my slave sent up burnt offerings of his own to me by way of the grill and some overcooked chicken he was so excited to prepare, without recognizing his own limitations with the grill…But, I appreciated the gesture nonetheless.
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